The Weird and Wonderful Tales Of The Cullens!
by HolliiiCruiser
Summary: Random, funny, and sometimes sad situations between everyone's favorite family of vampires and Bella! I'll keep them coming, if you keep reading them! Ch. 35: Bella meets Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter when she ends up in her refrigerator. RANDOM!
1. It smells good in there

"Okay, you can come out now." Bella whispered. Edward slowly opened the closet door and came and sat by her.

"You really do have a very nice closet." He commented.

She just stared at him. "Ya, my clothes really like it."

"Seriously, it's quite roomy; it could almost be like a living room or something."

Okay, now she was starting to get a bit weirded out. "Umm, sure, except for the fact that it is a **CLOSET!** Jeez, are you like R. Kelly now? Do you wanna be trapped in a closet?"

"No, it's just very cozy in there."

"Edward! You do realize you are talking about a place I keep all my clothes?"

"Yes, it smells very nice in there also." He was losing his mind.

"Well, if you like it so much, why don't you just live there?" She was definitely freaked out now.

"Humm, there's an idea!" He got a very disturbing look in his eyes. She just went to her bed and went to sleep. His arms wrapped around her, she snuggled deep into his chest.

When she woke up, she noticed that Edward wasn't there. That was unusual.

She took a shower and went to her closet to get some clothes. She was humming her favorite song. She was getting into it.

_"If I die and go to hell real soon  
it will appear to me as this room.  
And for eternity I lay in bed  
in my boxers, half stoned,  
with the pillow under my head._

_I'd be chatting on the interweb;  
maggots pray upon the living dead.  
I had no interest in the things she said.  
On the phone every day,  
I'll permanently hit the hay._

_I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
She touched herself. She touched herself.  
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep._

_At this rate,  
I'll be heading for electric chairs.  
I'm only human with my cross to bear.  
When she described her underwear  
I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old schul._

_ You're too young to be this empty girl  
I'll prepare you for a sick dark world  
Know that you'll be my downfall.  
But I call and I call and I call._

_I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
She touched herself. She touched herself.  
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep._

_I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want. (Met you on the internet)  
I don't know what I want. (Met you on the internet)  
I don't know what I want. (Met you on the internet)  
I don't know what I want. (Met you on the internet)_

_I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
She touched herself. She touched herself.  
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep._

_(Woah!)_

_I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
She touched herself. She touched herself.  
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep." _

By now, she was dancing around like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. She even only had her underwear and bra on. Man! Did she love this song! She opened her closet door and screamed.

_There was Edward, holding out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. A very cheesy grin was on his face, he looked_ her up and down a couple of times.

"Good Morning Gorgeous! "

She could safely talk again. "You scared me!"

He laughed, but immediately stopped when he saw her face. "I'm sorry, I only wanted to surprise you. And I thought if I hid in the closet it would be funnier, because you obviously think I have some weird obsession with your closet."

"Why don't you just go back in then?" She grabbed the clothes from his hands and shoved him back in the closet, slamming the door in his face.

Vampires can be so weird sometimes.

**Whoever can guess who sings the song gets to spend a day with Edward in Bella's closet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **


	2. Bella's Revenge

Bella was currently hiding in Edward's closet. She was going to get him back for that stunt he pulled the other day. She was crouched behind a box and trying not to move. This would not work if she made even the smallest noise. Edward's super-sonic hearing would pick it up. He thought she was with Rosalie shopping, so he was out hunting. He would be so surprised!

She heard the door slam and him call out. She giggled and immediately put her hand over her mouth. She heard the door of his room open and he came in. He switched on his stereo and music came on. Bella had to repress another giggle when she realized it was Michael Jackson's _Thriller._

He had turned up the music really loud, so she very quietly went to the front of the closet and calmly walked out. She didn't say anything though, she was mesmerized. Edward was dancing, actually he was doing the Thriller dance! He knew all the moves. She pulled a video camera out of her pocket and began to tape it. This was priceless. He wiggled his butt around and stopped when he heard a knock on the door. Spinning around to open it, he spotted her. A look of horror popped onto his face.

"Smile for the camera, sweetheart." She had finally won.

**Really short I know, but this idea just popped into my head and I had to go with it!**


	3. My Heart Will Go On!

Edward and Bella were curled up together on her couch. Charlie had gone fishing yet again **(A/N: Is it me or does he go fishing WAY too much? How much fish can two people eat?) **It was sunny out, so they were forced to spend the day inside. Which didn't bother them in the least.

They were currently half way through Titanic, one of Edward's favorite movies. **(A/N: Yes, Edward loves chick flicks in my stories. He is so sensitive!)** Bella had just returned from popping popcorn.

"You know, I have always wanted to know what it would be like to actually have got on the boat."

"It wasn't terribly exciting, trust me." She just laughed.

"What? It was just a bunch of snobby rich people. There were not a lot of people as nice as this Jack character." She gaped.

"You. Are. Not. Serious."

"Yes, I am. I'll prove it to you." And he shot off to his house, he was back seconds later holding tickets.

She wordlessly took them. "You got off before they sunk?" **(A/N: Ok, I think they made a stop, they never really say, but go with it.) **

"Yes, we had just bought a new house."

She stared at him. "Sometimes you really amaze me."

"Just watch the show."

"I guess that explains your unnatural love for this movie then."

He looked at her teasingly, "No, it's not that, Jack is just so dreamy. " He batted his eyelashes at her. She laughed so hard she choked on popcorn. He hastily took it away from her and handed her a cup of water.

She blushed deep red. He just chuckled and turned up the volume.

**This came from my CD player, which currently has My Heart Will Go On on repeat. I also really like that movie too.**


	4. Edward is a perv! EWW!

** Edward's Point of View! **

The person next to me was eating a piece of pizza, idly flipping through the channels. I was at Bella's house. There was only one slight problem: the person next to me wasn't Bella: it was Charlie. Can you say awkward? For some strange reason Bella thought that we needed some bonding time. And we were bonding, if you can call listening to your future father in laws twisted thoughts on killing you and hiding your body bonding. Which I don't. I had to do something…

"So," I said, desperate for anything to talk about," how 'bout them Yankees?"

"It's December, baseball season is over." **You stupid boy who broke my daughter's heart; I should break your legs. **(A/N: Bold is Charlie's thoughts.)

"Err, right." Let the awkward silence resume. This was getting ridiculous.

"Listen, Charlie, I know you really don't like me," **That's an understatement.** "But I really do love your daughter with all my heart. I'm not going to ever stop. You can either get over it or not. But just like Bella said, she and I are a package deal."

"How do you know she said that?" **Great, not only is he a weirdo, he's a perv who spies on my daughter in the middle of the night too. I wonder how long it would take for someone to start looking for him…**

"She, umm, told me." Good thing I was a good liar. This was going to be so much harder than I thought. He was eying me suspiciously.

I tried one last time. "Look, you love Bella, and I love Bella. Shouldn't we try really hard to make her happy? You know me and you getting along would make her so much happier." **The little pervert had a point there. I want Bella to stay here, and he was what she wanted. God knows why. **

Alright, passing over the pervert remarks, this was looking up.

"So," I carefully went on. "Maybe we could try to get along?"

He looked me in the eyes. "Or we could just fake it."

I laughed, "Sounds good to me."

**random random random hope you like!**


	5. Innocent Puppy

**A little background: I am Holli and I have the cutest little mini beagle puppy name Ellie Jo!**

"Thank so much for doing this for me, Bella!"

"Holli, once again, no problem."

Edward walked down the stairs, his eyes slowly taking in the brown haired girl (**A/N: Me!!!!!!!!)** holding a squirming mini-beagle puppy in her arms. His eyes narrowed. He came over and slid an arm around Bella's waist. Holli's eyes grew wide. Edward smiled at her thoughts which werer something along the lines of "Well, hello there, Mr. Fabulous. I would _so_ lick the sweat off your body." She momentarily forgot how to talk, which if you knew Holli at all you would know that this is hard for her to do. She shook her head and cleared her mind.

"Well, I should get going." She shot another quick glance at Edward and hopped into her blue Ferrari.

"Bella, I thought that you were babysitting this Holli girl's baby?"

"I am, this is Holli's baby. Isn't she cute?" She giggled.

He stepped slightly closer, "no, not really." He leaned closer to the dog and it sniffed him. He shot across the room, his face disgusted.

"Edward Cullen! Are you honestly telling me you do not think this puppy is at least a little cute?" She held up the puppy and it whimpered at him.

"Well," he slowly came over and reached out to pet it," I guess it's ok."

The phone rang. Bella shoved the dog into Edward's hands and went to answer it. It was Alice.

"Hey Bella. You are going to want to go back in there right now." Click. The phone went dead. She hurried back into the living room.

Edward was sitting on the couch, no puppy in sight.

"Edward, where's the puppy?" He smirked and pointed behind her. She heard a whimper, and saw that he had put the puppy on the top shelf of the mantle over the fireplace. She grabbed it and whirled around, furious.

"What? It was licking me." Edward shook his head, looking totally innocent.

_The moral of the story is: Never leave a puppy with Edward Cullen, no matter what. _


	6. Burnt hair?

** From the Wonderful Mind of Edward! **

Tonight was not going to be a good night. Bella was having Alice spend the night, and Alice had completely and totally banned me from even attempting to come see Bella at all. It was only 7:00 pm, they had just left at 6:30 pm. It was already killing me to be away from her. Forget Alice! I could go see my Bella anytime I wanted, I'm sure she wouldn't object. I grabbed my keys and slid into my Volvo, I didn't start it though. I couldn't waste time driving, I had to run! It was much quicker. Just as I was about to get out of the car, Alice's thoughts came rushing into my head.

"Edward Cullen! I see you trying to come over here! You get your pitiful self back in that house right now! IF I so much as see you walk out that front door again, I;m taking Bella shopping tomorrow!"

I scowled. Bella wouldn't like that. I angrily slammed the car door a little too hard, and it flew off. I was being, what was the word the disgusting Mike Newton boy called me in his thoughts?, oh yes, _emo._ I slowly(for me) walked back into the empty house. The rest of my family was out hunting. What perfect timing they all had. I sat down on the couch, and I saw this jar. It was bright green with a yellow lid. I picked it up, the label said Garnier Fructis: Ultra Hold Styling Gel. Aha! So this was what Alice used to get those spiky things in her hair!

I walked into her bathroom intending to just put it up and leave, but I opened the jar. I timidly poked my finger in it, it came back out with white goo on it. I slicked it through my hair, making one piece of hair stick straight up. I then stuck my whole hand in and pulled out a wad and pulled and tugged it into my hair. The effect was startling. It looked like I had been electrocuted! I tried to make it go down but it wouldn't. What was that thing Alice was always burning Bella's head with? _A straightener._

**Bella's Point Of View! **

Alice and me were having a good time, or as good a time as can be had without Edward. WE were almost done with Part.1 of our chick flick fest, when Alice's eyes glazed over. After a few seconds, her eyes flickered over to mine, a wide smile on her face.

"What is it? Is Edward trying to sneak over here?" Please say yes!

"No, its much better than that!" She stood up and threw me on her back, then she was running. A minute later we were at her house. I was freezing, all I was wearing was a tank top and short shorts.

I sniffed the air. " Is something burning?"

Before she could answer, we heard a huge crash. Then a loud scream of "ARGH!"

Edward came flying down the stairs, half of his hair sticking straight up, the other half blackened and burnt. "Oh," I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard. "I see where the smell came from."

Alice just sighed, "That will teach you to stay out of my bathroom."

**Edward's! **

I had learned two very important lessons today.

1. Never set foot in Alice's bathroom ever again.

2. Bella looked good in short shorts, but that was to be expected.

**(A/N: Sorry, I meant to update earlier, but I had to go to ISU for some thingy, then my grandma was in the surgery. So, now I really understand how Edward felt at the end of Twilight, and it SUCKS! **

**LOVE TO ALL YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!**


	7. Hollywood with Holli!

**This is totally random and came to me while I was watching Oprah. FYI! Holli is me, I am Holli. I really do make people uncomfortable like this when I get bored.**

**Holli: **Hello there, my fabulous stalkers! (I am just kidding. I know that most of you do not put weirdo questionable things on internet sites about me. But those of you that do, you need help.) Anyways, welcome to another entertaining, slightly creepy, mostly random episode of… **_DA DA DUH!_** Hollywood with Holli! Today we have a very interesting show planned for you. Our very special, very very handsome, god-like, strong, abs of steel guest is… ladies keep your pants on, EDWARD CULLEN! Those of you who do not have an unnatural obsession with him and or the book Twilight, please stand up.

**_(About 6 people stand up, they look slightly embarrassed.) _**

**Holli: **Okay, those of you who are still sitting down, please reach under your seats, I have left a small gift there for you.

**_(The audience whips out a bucket of rocks. They oooo and aaahhhh at it.) _**

**Holli:** If you have never watched the show, we have a little thing called "Throw Rocks at the Dumb People." Audience, show them how it's done!!!!! (**_She sits back and does her little happy dance as the audience massacres the innocent illiterate people standing up.) _**

**_(The six people are immediately pelted with very large rocks until they fall over or the ambulance comes.) _**

**Holli: **Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, please welcome Mr. Edward Cullen!!!!!!!!

**_(The audience immediately starts yelling things like, bite me, Please! Take it off! You're hotter than Jacob! and one yell of BOO! This was immediately silenced by several rocks left over in the buckets. Edward comes out, grinning and waving at the audience. But his grin is cut short as a rather large pair of panties is thrown at him. He sidesteps them and rushes to the safety of Holli's super comfy awesome couch.) _**

**Holli: **So Mr. Edward "I Really Brought Sexy Back" Cullen, how are you today?

**Edward: **Umm, please, just Edward will do. I am doing pretty good, except for the fact that I haven't seen Bella in like two hours.

**_(Loud calls of "AWWW" can be heard from the audience.) _**

**Holli: **So, how are things with you and Bella lately?

**Edward: **Well, Holli, I can call you Holli right?

**Holli: **Well, either that or "The **_REAL_**Love of My Life" whichever you prefer.

**Edward: **Ok, _Holli_, Bella and I are in a really good place right now. We're really happy.

**Holli: **So, you two are really happy? And nobody could pull you apart?

**Edward: **Yes, we're… **(He is cut off by Holli) **

**Holli: **So, you would never leave her for a brownish reddish haired 14 year old girl with her own talk show? **(She flips her brownish reddish hair, and nods her head at the very large sign that had just appeared above her. It read "Hollywood with Holli, aka the 14 year old girl with her own talk show." Edward just nervously jiggled his foot.) **

**Edward: **I have never loved anyone even half as much as I love Bella.

**Holli: **Never?

**Edward: **Not ever.

**Holli: **SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOO, you are telling me in the bagillion kazillion migillion years you have been alive you have never felt the slightest attraction to anyone besides Bella?

**Edward: **I've actually only been alive for like one hundred and ten years. But, to answer your question, I have never felt the same way about someone that I feel about Bella.

**Holli: ** Never?

**Edward: **NO! NOT EVER!

**Holli: **Edward Orlando Bloom Johnny Depp Various Other Hott Guys Cullen! Do not raise your voice at me!

**Edward: **WTF? That is so not my middle name!

**Holli: **What is your middle name? Is your middle name Grouch Pants?

**Edward: **NO, it most certainly is not Grouch Pants.

**Holli: **What is it?

**Edward: **I do not feel the need to share that with you on national TV.

**Holli: **How about later then?

**Edward: **Whatever. I guess.

**Holli: **Oh, I get it. **_(She flashes him a smile and a wink.) _**Way too be sneaky. **_(She whispers to him.) _**

**Edward: **What are you talking about?

**Holli: **You aren't really going to tell me your middle name are you?

**Edward: **I wasn't planning on it.

**Holli: **Uh-huh. **_(Another smile and wink.) _**

**Edward: ………. **

**Holli: **O yes. **_(She sends him various situations on what she thinks he is thinking.) _**

**Edward: **Oh dear god, no. Your only 14 and I love Bella.

**Holli: **But does this Bella character you speak of love you?

**Edward: **Of course she does!

**Holli: **Alright then.

**Edward: **She does!

**Holli: **Yep, I totally and completely believe you.

**Edward: **Okay.

**Holli: **Please direct your attention to the big screen on your right, there Edward buddy boy.

**_(He slowly turns and immediately breaks Holli's super comfy awesome couch, the source of his discomfort is the large pictures on the TV. They are of Bella and Jacob in various precarious positions.) _**

**Edward: **What the H-E-Double-Hockey-sticks is that?

**Holli: **It's what it looks like.

**Edward: **Bella would never do that.

**Holli: **Ok.

**Edward: _(Looks into her eyes and dazzles her.) _**She wouldn't.

**Holli: _(Thoroghly dazzled.) _**Ya, I know. I photoshopped them. The wonders of technology huh?

**Edward: **I'm leaving. This is ridiculous.

**Holli: **Bye Edward Orlando Bloom Johnny Depp Other Various Hott Guys Grouch Pants Cullen! Until we meet again.

**Edward: **THAT IS NOT MY MIDDLE NAME!


	8. Hollywood with Holli: Part Duex!

** _Hey Guys! I hope you like this one as much as you liked the first one. Do you want me to write more? Read and Review Please! Cuz if i get 50 Edward will take his shirt off, oh ya, and Jacob too. If you like him. EWW, I don't. Love to all my fellow Edward stalkers!_**

** Holli: **Yo, what it do, homies? Welcome to another for shizzle my nizzle episode of Hollywood with Holli. **(Suddenly talking like a white person again.) **I have a statement to announce to you all. Last week we had a very special guest on. Mr. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. **(A/N: I knew his middle name, I was just trying to be funny when I made it Orlando Bloom Johnny Depp Various Other Hott Guys Grouch Pants. I was getting a lot of reviews where people were like "I can't believe you didn't know his middle name, and you say you love him.") **I regret my behavior, but I am only 14, I have no control over my flipping hormones. So, to make it up to him, for making him feel severely uncomfortable and threatened (which is hard to do, since you know, he's a super strong, super fast vampire.) I have invited him back on, this time with Bella. So once again, let's welcome Edward Cullen. And for the very first time, Bella Swan. Cough, cough, I hate you. Cough, cough.

**(Edward and Bella come out hand in hand, Edward looks slightly nervous, he keeps shooting covert looks at Holli, making sure she doesn't try to repeat what he refers to as the handcuff incident. Which basically, was when Holli cornered him after the first show and wanted to apologize; they shook hands and she slapped some pink fuzzy ones on him, which he really didn't know (or want to know) where they came from. He shuddered at the thought. And I'm sure, if he could have, he would have peed his pants. Bella is grinning like a cheeseball and waves and mouths "Hi Mom, Charlie, Jacob, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, Jessica, Angela, and Mike!" into the camera.) **

** Holli: **Welcome Back. **(She steps forward for a hug and he hides behind Bella, who pulls out a metal detector and runs it over Holli. No doubt searching for handcuffs.) **Jeez, you can't even put pink fuzzy handcuffs on people anymore without them thinking you're a weirdo. What has this world come to?

**Bella (looking skeptically at Edward): **You didn't have a problem when I put… **(He put his hand over her mouth.) **

** Edward: **Not on national T.V. honey.

**Bella (blushing, as usual.): **Oh, I forgot about the cameras.

**Holli (giving her a look that would make you cry if you saw it, like a RAWR look.): **Ya, ok, honey. You forgot the 7 twenty pound cameras zooming in on your face, it could totally happen.

**Bella: **Someone is PMSing today.

**Holli: **Oh, no you didn't! You're going down.

**Bella: **Bring it! I'll be on you like Jackie Chan.

**Holli: **Well, I'll be on you like a fat person on cake!

**Edward (Looking at Bella): **Love, calm down. Sit down, please. **(Looking at Holli) **You calm down too. Let's get on with the show.

**Holli and Bella (Looking really out of it and dazzled): **All right, honey. **(They look at each other evilly.) **Back off Barbie!

**Edward: **Ladies, don't make me separate you two! Let's get on with this!

** Holli: **Ok, on with the interview. So, Bella, is it true that Edward asked you to marry him, and you said NO?

**(The crowd BOO's and prepares for another round of "Let's Throw Rocks At Stupid People". They immediately stop when they hear two very loud and scary growls. One comes from Edward, the other from…) **

**Bella: **JACOB? What are you doing here?

**Holli: **I invited him; I thought it would be very Jerry Springer of me. My ratings aren't so hot, so bring on the shirtless, sweaty, hott, vampire, and the semi-cute, fully clothed (for now anyway) werewolf.

**Edward: **Why would I be shirtless? And I can't even sweat!

**Jacob: **Semi-cute? Have you seen these eyes and these abs?

**Bella: **Ya, Holli, they are pretty nice abs… **(Holli nods in agreement.) **

**Edward: **BELLA!

**Bella (walking over to him and whispering in his ears): **Yours are _way _better though. **(Holli nods again.) **

**Holli: **This is my show and I want you **(points to Edward) **to take your shirt off and start sweating, and you **(points to Jacob) **to make with the werewolving. NOW!


	9. Nascar and Edward don't mix!

HEY THERE! How awesome would it be if the two most gorgeous, sweet, awesome guys were talked about in the same story? Read and find out!!!!!!!!!!

One sunny Sunday, the Cullen's (and Bella, of course) were watching NASCAR. They each had their favorite driver, and they showed it. Alice loved Martin Truex Jr., Jasper loved Jeff Gordon (god only knows why, he sucks, and drinks pee. No offense to Jeff Gordon Lovers), Emmett had a little bit of a man crush on Tony Stewart**. (A/N: He looks just like my stepdad, FYI!)** Carlisle was rooting for Jimmie Johnson. Esme was all excited for Dale Earnhardt Jr. Bella was swooning over Kasey Kahne, and trying not to let it show to Edward, who really didn't like NASCAR at all. Rosalie was too busy playing with Emmett's hair to really notice anything.

"Come on, Bella. Let's go upstairs or something, this is boring and pointless and random." Edward had been saying the same thing for the past hour. "If I wanted to watch cars go round and round, I'd go to the loop in St. Louis. I could actually participate too."

"Edward, sweetie, why don't you go make me some popcorn or something, since you're so bored and all." She couldn't pull her eyes away from the screen.

He mumbled something about "why don't you have Kasey Kahne make you some popcorn, since you love him so much." She heard him and threw her die-cast limited edition pink number nine car replica at him, knowing he would catch it. He did and looked even more upset. Darn his stupid awesome quick as lightening vampire reflexes. If only he was clumsy and butter fingered like Bella, that car would have gone down in a ring of fire, or technically it would have smashed. He shuffled into the kitchen and spent a good 30 minutes looking for popcorn before he realized that they were vampires so they didn't have popcorn. He shuffled back into the living room and squished himself in between Alice and Bella, who were deep in conversation about how gorgeous Kasey Kahne looked in his Snuggle Busch Series uniform. Edward hearing this gave Bella his best look-at-me-I'm-emo-and-it's-your-fault-because-you-like-Kasey-Kahne look. She looked back at him and gave him her best yes-I-see-you're-emo-because-I-like-Kasey-Kahne-look-and-I-am-going-to-ignore-it-and-you look. Then she turned back to the T.V.

"Bella, are you aware that Kasey Kahne is thirty-second in points? He's not doing so well." He started a pointless attempt at a conversation.

She slowly turned and faced him. "He is doing the best he can, who are you to criticize him? I'm sure he knows how he is doing, and he is trying his hardest to fix it. He does not need grouchy pants like you dragging him down." You would have thought she knew him personally, she was so offended.

Realizing he was fighting a losing battle, he went upstairs to listen to music, turning it up as loud as it would go, hoping to make Bella look bad.

Downstairs, everyone turned to look at her. She slowly shook her head. "Edward can be such an emo boy sometimes! GO KASEY GO! MOMMA NEEDS A NEW RACE JACKET!" Kasey Kahne needed her support right now, she couldn't be worrying about Edward's sad attempts at slitting his wrists.

**A/N: the two guys are Edward and Kasey Kahen, if you didn't pick up on that. GO KASEY KAHNE! HE'S RACING TODAY!**


	10. Breath By: Breaking Benjamin

__

_**Okay, so here is my first attempt at something not funny or random, I hope this isn't too emo or depressing!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont own twilight (no matter how many times I try to buy it) and I don't own this song, breaking benjamin does**_

_"__I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet, in my head?" _

As I sat, huddled into the position that was the only way I could keep myself from ripping apart, with the radio on behind me, I grasped at the words of the song, just to try to keep myself together. I couldn't do this again, not today. Not only had I woke up crying and screaming, I had also felt the familiar feeling of suffocating during school, my only escape being the slightly less ominous inside interior of my truck. My mind was flickering back to the day I had not thought of in months. The day my life, for all intensive purposes, was over. I was dead inside, why couldn't I be outside too? The day where _he_ had left me, the day he said he had not wanted me, the day he stopped loving me; this was the day I could not remember, didn't want to remember, but this song was bringing it back to me. The words cut deep, slicing new holes beside the old ones. These holes, though they did not hurt as much as the old ones, brought me close to tears. I tried not to let myself cry, but in spite of my efforts, I felt the tears slide down my face.

_"I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet, in my head?" _

_His eyes had been cold and the gold pools I had come to love froze as I had watched that day. In the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong. But I refused to believe myself; I racked my mind for any other explanation._

_"I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind. Is it over yet? I can't win." _

I had thought I knew everything about his kind; I had wanted to be one of them. His mind was far from evil in my opinion, as desperately as I wanted to hate him. And I wanted so bad to hate him, for I thought if I hated him, it would be that much easier for me to forget him, because I was good at repressing bad times. He had broken me beyond repair, wasn't that enough to make me hate him?

_"So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes. I'll throw it all away, get away, please."_

He had told me that there would be nothing left to remember him by; that he would take everything and never bother me again. He had also said I would forget, that my human memories would fade, he was wrong. I knew, no matter how much it hurt to admit, that I would never forget him. He would never get away, he could go from one end of the Earth to the other, but he would never truly leave me, my mind, and this song, saw to that.

_"You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through 'cause I will be the death of you." _

Here I was, gasping for air, reduced to tears by a song. The song spoke to me in so many ways, there was a whole where my heart should be, where it used to be. Now it was gone and the hole left was lost in the countless other holes that riddled my body.

_"This will be all over soon. Pour salt into the open wound. Is it over yet? Let me in." _

This wouldn't be over soon, it would go on forever, until the day that I die. Every time I thought of him, or any of the rest of them, who were my so called family, it was exactly like pouring salt into an open wound. He would never let me in, it will never be over.

_"So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes. I'll throw it all away, get away, please. _

_You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you." _

_I'm waiting, I'm hating, realize, start hiding." _

The song was slowly coming to a close and I realized that I wasn't hating, I never would be hating. But I was waiting, I would wait forever, even though he was done with me, I would never be done with him. He would always be the most important thing to me ever.

_"You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you." _

I slowly pulled myself up off of the floor and collapsed on my bed. There was a whole where my heart should be, because he had my heart. He could keep it, because if he no longer loved me, there was no need for it to beat anymore.


	11. Adventures In Old Navy Land: Chillatta

**Okay, for those of you who were confused. This is not a story, it is random one shots, they have no order, they have nothing to do with eachother, and I am starting a fan club with Enpowerswan, called the WE hate lauren but we love Eddie fan club… anyone wanna join? This little one shot thingy is based on a true story, I actually did what will eventually happen. **

Adventures in Old-Navy Land

Part one:

Bella and Alice were about half way through a shopping extravaganza at the mall, when Alice suddenly had a vision. She excitedly turned towards Bella and explained it to her.

"Edward is following us, I know he promised not to, but he did. Right now he is over at Cinnabon, hiding behind an extra large Tropical Chillatta." Bella sneakily snuck a glance at him, his wild hair stuck up above the drink of fruity deliciousness, ruining even the slight chance he had of his clever disguise working. He was getting awkward looks from passersby's, and the mall cops slowly made their way over to him. Bella laughed and continued to watch the show, wishing she had some popcorn, or possibly a video camera.

"Alice, we have to teach him a lesson, he swore he wouldn't spy or follow me." He had in fact promised not to follow or spy, because Bella was buying a dress for graduation, and she wanted it to be a total surprise. It wasn't like he actually saw her dress, because the Seattle mall was pretty limited, but that wasn't the point. The point was that he had promised, and broke his promise. Bella looked at Alice, who had a wide and slightly disturbing smile on her face.

"I have just the plan." She said and followed it up with a spot on imitation of an evil laugh. It was something like "MWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!", only sounded way more attractive to the passing high school horndogs. With one last glance at Edward, who was now trying to flirt his way out of having to go to the super secret mall cop room, they ran off to put their evil plan into action!

Part two:

Edward had finally escaped the disturbed mal l cops, after continually reassuring them, that, no, he was not a terrorist, he just enjoyed hiding behind large drinks that had way too many calories. He suddenly realized that Bella was nowhere to be found. He shot off to find them, with a girly scream flying out of his mouth. Mental note to self: no more Chillattas for Eddie.

What do the dynamic danger twins (aka Bella and Alice) have in store for Edward? You'll have to wait till I update again! Be nice or I will make the mall cops come after you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cue Alice's evil laugh


	12. Adventures In Old Navy Land: Ninja Style

**Edward's Point of View! **

In the five minutes I had been otherwise engaged with the creepy mall police (apparently, if you hide behind frozen beverages and are wearing your super secret spy uniform which really is just a black ninja suit I wore for Halloween one time the mall popos get antsy.), Bella and Alice had managed to sneak off. Well, technically, it wasn't really **_sneaking _**off, it was more of a **_walking- away because- we- don't- know- that- you- are- here- because- you- aren't- supposed- to- be- you- dirty- dirty- liar _**off. This, really if you thought about it, amounted to the same thing, almost.

I was searching for Alice's mind, but couldn't find it. That was strange, all day I had been able to hear her random and pointless thoughts about clothes she wanted Bella to try on, or clothes that she had made her try on, or clothes that she had already bought without Bella's knowledge. But now, nothing, not even song lyrics, which, when she wasn't talking, filled her thoughts, the latest one being "Stolen" By Dashboard Confessional, was coming to me. This was strange, had they found out I was here? Uh- oh, Bella would not be happy. But what else was I supposed to do? This was a mall, and mall meant people. People meant convicted felons, rapists, pimps looking for new ho's, and various other conspicuous characters all bent on destroying my precious Bella. Some people called me paranoid and stalkerish, but I like to refer to it as caring and considerate for her safety. That sounded loads better. So I set off on a mission. A super secret ninja spy vampire boyfriend mission.

**Bella's Point of View! **

Alice's evil plan was excellent, apparently some people, **(A/N: Cough. Cough, me, cough cough.), **actually hide in the clothes racks, and at the opportune moment pop out and surprise (in my case **A/N: and unfortunately, not mine. ****L**), my unsuspecting hott ninja vampire boyfriend.

"So, Alice, what store will our evil plan work best in?"

"Well, we need somewhere big, so those disgusting mall cops won't be able to catch us, and somewhere that Edward could actually imagine us going."

We both looked at each other and exclaimed, "OLD NAVY!"

**Edward's Point of View! **

I slowly made my way into Old Navy, the last store I could see Bella going in. I was slowly walking back and forth through the aisles. Then I heard a scream and immediately ran over to the sound. I had found my Bella.

**Bella's Point of View! **

I was hiding in the rack, waiting for Alice's signal, this was going to be hilarious. Then I felt Alice by my side, and rushed to get out of the rack, to scare Edward. I ignored her frantic whispers and busted out, screaming "What are you doing here, bud?" At what I thought would be a very surprised Edward, but what turned out to be a very scared teenage boy with acne. Oh no.

The boy grinned at me and asked for my number, before I could answer, I felt a pair of cold arms wrap around my waist. Edward. He growled and the boy raced off. So much for trying to punish him. HE spun me around and grinned.

"Did you honestly think you could scare me? Not only am I a vampire, I'm a super secret ninja too. I'm flipping unstoppable." She scowled.

Just then Alice skipped up. "I know something that might scare you, dear brother."

"Oh yes, Alice. Is Emmett hiding behind the shoes?" He laughed.

"No, but I did give that boy Bella's number."

"So, there is no way Bella would ever go out with him."

Bella pulled away from him, now she was the one grinning. "I don't know, he was pretty cute."

"You can't be serious." He tried to act like he didn't care, but she could see the fear in his eyes.

Who was the big bad ninja now?


	13. Far Away by: Nickelback

**This is set after New Moon, so we don't have any confusion like we did last time. This is totally fluff, FYI!**

I squeezed past person after person, trying to get to the sear my Edward had reserved for me. As I pushed past an angry old man, I tried again to figure out why in the world Edward would feel the need to be in the first talent show Forks had hosted since anyone could remember. Even though he (or any of the other Cullen's) wouldn't even tell me what his act was about, I felt sure it would be great. How could it not be? It was _Edward_ we were talking about. I had finally reached my seat my seat and gratefully plopped down in between Alice and Rosalie. I glanced at each of them in turn, and received brilliant smiles from both of them. My relationship with Rose had made great leaps and bounds. We had grown close. I had added one more person to the list of things it would hurt me to lose. The number one thing on that list being Edward, of course. I had lost him once and it nearly killed me. I was sure if it happened again, it would. But he had promised not to leave again, that he loved me more than anything. I believe him, I honestly do. But sometimes I let my old insecurities have me again. Those ones that made me think I wasn't good enough, he would grow bored, or he would find something better. Sometimes those same insecurities ate away at me, making me temporarily think that he would leave me again…

The lights went down, startling me. Apparently, I was thinking harder than I had anticipated. I didn't want to be distracted one bit when Edward's act came up. I realized then that I had no clue when that would be.

"Alice, when is it Edward's turn?" She giggled before answering.

"Well, he conveniently is going first, a total coincidence he assured me." She rolled her golden eyes. "But I suspect he, what is the word that you use when he does that eye thing at you that you love so much?"

"Dazzle?" I answered, blushing.

Alice laughed. "Yes, that's the one! My guess is that he "dazzled" someone into letting him go first, so that he can be with you sooner. "As soon as the words left her mouth, the curtain parted and the principal walked out to a smattering of applause and a loud chorus of "BOO's".

"Alright, kids. Let's settle down, we have an exciting show to get to. But first, a quick announcement; these kids worked really hard for this, so show some respect. So without further ado, I give you our first act: Edward Cullen."

I shot to my feet, shouting wildly. When I realized I was the only one standing up, I quickly sat back down. Then Edward walked out and his eyes found me. He had no props and no costume. I was puzzled. What could he possibly be doing?

Edward adjusted the microphone, and the talking quieted down again.

"Everyone here knows I left Bella. And I know you all don't like me for it. But I came back, because I love her and cannot live without her. She knows this, but I think sometimes she forgets. So I'm going to remind her again, in front of everyone. So maybe next time she won't forget so easily." The whole room turned, as one, to face me; I felt my cheeks go unbearably warm. I flicked my gaze back up to Edward, and soon after everyone followed suit. Now all eyes were on Edward. He seemed to take a deep breath, and then he nodded his head at someone off stage. The auditorium was suddenly filled with music. I felt sure I had heard it on the radio before. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, I couldn't worry about that now, I had more important things to concentrate on. My eyes were glued to Edward… and he began to sing.

"_This time, this place. Misused, mistakes."_ His voice was smooth and even more velvety than usual. Though the song had just started, I could already feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. Alice and Rosalie each grabbed one of my hands, and I squeezed both tight. In fact, it was so tight it probably would have bruised a normal human. But, them being the super tough vampires that they are, it didn't seem to bother either one of them in the slightest. They most likely could hardly feel it at all. The song went on.

"_Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait? Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there's just one left. 'Cuz you know, you know, you know that I love you, I have loved you all along. And I miss you, been away for far too long. I keep dreaming that you'll be with me and you'll never go. Stop breathing," _He grinned at me when he sang those words, and I held back a laugh. Not once had our eyes left each other's.

_"On my knees, I'll ask, last chance for one last dance.'Cuz with you, I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand. I'd give it all, I'd give for us. Give anything but I won't give up. 'Cuz you know, you know, you know. So far away, been far away for far too long. So far away, been far away for far too long. But you know, you know, you know." _ Every word he sang was filled with truth and sincerity. He was saying what he had been telling me all along, and I believed it now more than ever. He had the guts to get up and sing to me; just to prove to me he wasn't lying. I let the tears fall now, but they were happy tears.

_"I wanted, I wanted you to stay.'Cuz I needed, I need to hear you say that I love you, I have loved you all along. And I forgive you, for being away for far too long. So keep breathing, 'cuz I'm not leaving you anymore. Believe it, hold on to me and never let me go. Keep breathing 'cuz I'm not leaving you anymore. Believe it, hold on to me and never let me go. Keep breathing, hold on to me and never let me go. Keep breathing, hold on to me and never let me go." _The song ended and lots of people stood up to clap, but I was already moving, all clumsiness temporarily forgotten. He ran down the stairs of the stage, he was running out to meet me. I fell into his arms, and he held me tight.

"Do you finally believe me now? Or do I have to sing another sappy pop song to you?" I lifted my head up to meet his piercing topaz eyes.

"I always believed you, but now I _really _believe you." He laughed and pulled me closer, if that was possible.

"That song is exactly how I feel; Nickelback just put it into the words I could never find. I thought I could just let you listen to it, but I wanted it to be special for two reasons. One: So you would never have doubts again, and two: To make you blush in front of the whole school." He laughed and brushed my hair back.

Tonight just showed me how much he really loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Even if I had had any doubts, they were stomped out now. We were inseparable the rest of the night, we didn't even realize when the principal was calling Edward to pick up his first place trophy.

**This idea came to me, weirdly enough, when I was on my treadmill. It was on my MP3 player, and I thought it fit Edward and Bella perfectly. I am such a fluff lover.**


	14. The Twilight Twilight Zone

It was three o' clock in the morning at a certain sexier-than-anyone-we'll-ever-meet-forever-seventeen vampire's house. Now, usually Edward was watching Bella sleep right about then, (let's call it his "special time", shall we?)but she was at a sleepover. Yes, a sleepover. Like the ones you have when you are six; that is what a good time amounts to in the lame-o town of Forks. This particular sleepover was at Angela's and Alice was there too, so Edward wasn't _too _worried, but it had severely messed up his evening activities aka his "special time". Everyone knows how emo he can get when he is left alone without his Bella. **(A/N: For further proof of this, check out the chapter of this very story called Burnt Hair.)** He would go to great lengths to pass the time until he could see her again. His latest adventure being: the magical event known as the bubble bath. Oh yes, he was going crazy with it tonight! He had filled his giant-almost-pool-sized tub with water and dumped several bottles of strawberry (or as he liked to refer to it, Bella) scented bubble bath in it. He dropped his towel to reveal his flowered Hawaiian swim trunks. And I bet you thought he was naked, you dirty minded reader! He wasn't so out of touch with humans that he didn't know you weren't supposed to take a bath with clothes on; but when you lived in the same space as six other never sleeping always bored at night vampires, it was best to be naked as little as was absolutely necessary. Just a little tip for your future reference, you can thank me when you find a vampire boy you fall in love with. He decided to be dramatic, as usual, and dove headfirst in. It was a big tub, but not that big and he smacked the side with his head. He came up; choking on the bubbles he had accidentally inhaled. He leaned his head against the very side that he smacked it on and closed his eyes. He grabbed both sides of his head, trying to stop the spinning; he must have hit it _really _hard. He opened his eyes, ready to get out, and realized that his head wasn't (metaphorically speaking) spinning, _he _was spinning. But he wasn't really alarmed, yet. The tub, after all, was called a Whirlpool. Maybe this was what it was supposed to do, he didn't have a lot of experience in that area. He only began to worry when the water pulled him under the surface and through the somehow enlarged drain. Now he began to panic, but it was already too late; he was already being sucked into another dimension. DA DA DUH! His last thought before he was completely down the drain was, "Oh no, Bella's going to kill me." Figuratively, of course.

**_MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _**

Holli Renee quietly slipped out of her room; there was a piece of cake with her name on it in the kitchen. Late night junk food runs expeditions were a tradition for her. Once she had her delicious cake, she headed back towards her room; but she tripped on the doorstop halfway there for the one-millionth time that day. She closed her eyes, waiting for her face to plow into the carpet, but it never did. She reached in front of her and only felt air. She had finally acquired her Spiderman powers! God knows she let enough spiders bite her… Then a cough from behind her brought her out of her midair happy jig. She cautiously opened her eyes and glanced behind her, then snapped them shut.

"Good Lord. It finally happened, my hypothetical stalking (it's hypothetical because technically you don't exist) of you has finally paid off! That or I am one suit short of a full deck." She opened her eyes again and looked back at a very confused and out of place looking Edward, who was dripping wet and still in his trunks. He had caught (a reflex he had developed thanks to Bella) her by the back of her shirt, it was a wonder it hadn't ripped. He carefully laid her on the floor, and she rolled over on her back, gazing at him with large eyes. He just stood there. She finally snapped out of her stalker like trance and whispered, "Can I have my cake back?" He handed her the cake, and offered his hand to help her up. She eagerly grabbed it and didn't let go, even after he pulled her up. She leaned forward and smelled him, he shot back.

"Why did you just smell me?" He was beginning to wonder if this wasn't really another dimension, maybe he had hit his head hard enough and it had killed him, so maybe this was hell. This girl was definitely creepy.

"Well, Bella says you smell really good. I just thought I would see for myself."

"You know my Bella?" Why would the devil know what his Bella said, she was an angel. Her thoughts were gods business. He took a closer look at her; she didn't have a tail or horns. But maybe the devil could shape shift.

"Well, ya. I sorta know her, I guess."

"How do you know her?" She just whistled and pushed something behind her with her foot. He quickly shot over and grabbed it.

He glanced at it. "What is Twilight?"

Holli, playing stupid, snorted. "It's a time of day silly!" Then she grabbed it back from him, glad that a disaster had been avoided. Edward, having enough of this crazy demon girl, pushed past her and into the bathroom, maybe he could get back the same way he had come. He filled the water, all the while Holli was behind him, just staring. Then he went to jump in and hit his head again. This time it knocked him out.

"MWAHAHAHAAHAH!" Holli laughed and rubbed her hands together anxiously. Now Edward was hers forever! He could live in her closet, and hunt in the woods behind her house! Now who was the crazy person! Tee-Hee!

**_MEANWHILE! _**

Bella shot up out of her bed, but she was pulled back down by two strong cold hands. She gasped. It was Edward, then reality began to sit in. It was just a dream.

"Bella, you should go back to sleep, you know you won't sleep much tonight at Angela's sleepover tonight." Bella screamed and hopped out of bed, running over to the bag of things Edward had picked up earlier, it was filled with… _bottles of strawberry shampoo! _

_ **MEANWHILE! **_

Holli Renee jumped out of bed, and ran into her bathroom, no Edward. Then she realized it was a dream inside of a dream! Dangit! She walked back into her room and switched of the T.V. No more Twilight Zone before bed.

**(A/N: Okay, so that might be a little confusing. Holli, who is really me, dreamed it all, even the part about Bella dreaming. Hope that cleared that up. I actually did this like two nights ago. I am not the devil, just thought I'd throw that out there. I almost cried when I realized it was a dream. Oh ya, the part about the hypothetical stalking is an inside joke between me and freak a geek!!) **


	15. Stolen by: Dashboard Confessional

I turned the radio up louder and louder, until it wouldn't go up anymore. I was happy, as I was most days since my angel had returned to me. I twirled around and around my room, until I tripped and fell on my bed. Then I just danced. There was no use going and hurting myself today. The song, which was currently "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance, had ended and the DJ was spouting off about a new song. I only caught the last sentence.

"This one is called "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional, call me up and tell me what you think about it." The song started and I could tell it was going to be one of those slow lovey-dovey type songs; it didn't bother me any. I walked over to my closet, trying to find my sweatshirt, when I saw a shot of white and bronze fly through my window. I rolled my eyes; couldn't he ever use the door? Just because he had super vampire reflexes didn't mean he had to use them every five seconds. I turned and saw him occupying his usual spot: my rocking chair. He gracefully got up and approached me.

"So as soon as I leave you decide that you'd like to dance?" I giggled. "You're not going to stop just because I came back are you?" He reached for my hand and pulled me closer to him. It had been at least thirty minutes since I had touched him, way too long for my liking. The song kept going, and he put my hands on his shoulders, then he wound his down to my waist.

_ "We watch the season pull up its own stakes, _

_And catch the last weekend, of the last week. _

_ Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced, _

_ Another sun soaked season fades away. _

_ You have stolen my heart." _

My hands reached up around his neck to fidget with his hair, and he linked his behind my waist. We could have the most perfect moments pop up during the most random things. All I had been doing was getting ready for what I'm sure would be a long and exhausting day of shopping, and suddenly it had turned into something soft and sweet with Edward. I knew eventually that we would have to go, but right now this was all that mattered.

_"Invitation only, grant farewells, _

_ Crush the best one, of the best ones. _

_ Clear liquor and cloudy eyes, too early to say goodnight. _

_ You have stolen my heart. _

_ And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration, _

_ One good stretch before our hibernation. _

_Our dreams assured and we all will sleep well. _

_You have stolen, _

_You have stolen my heart." _

All good things had to come to an end that I knew. And this good thing was about to end, because I could hear Alice bust the front door open and scream, "Come on, guys! We don't have all day to waste listening to sappy love songs and looking into each other's eyes! We're on a mission!" But Edward wouldn't let me move.

"Just finish the song, Bella! Please?" How could I say no to him? You would have to be crazy to turn him down. I nodded and we fell back into the moment. I wanted it to last for two reasons, the first one was obvious, this was perfect. The second one was a bit selfish: I really didn't want to go shopping at all.

"_I watch you spin around in the highest heels, _

_You are the best ones of the best ones. _

_We all look like we feel." _

Just then my bedroom door was thrown open, and a very angry Alice stood there, tapping her foot on the floor. "Oh for god's sake! Could you be any more chick flick today? Let's go." And without waiting for us to answer she had grabbed the back of Edward's shirt and began to drag him down the stairs. He held on tight to me.

"You have stolen, you have stolen my heart." He finished the last line of the song, whispering it in my ear.

**Sorry, this is not funny. But all my stories don't have to be funny do they? Sometimes I want them to be fluffy and sweet... because i don't have an edward, so i have to make up stuff about bella's edward. well, i'm off to wallow in my emo-ish self pity! bye! o ya REVIEW! please! edward wants you to, and like i said, how can you say no to Edward?**


	16. Emmett and the Shower!

**(A/N: This is set in the future, Bella is changed into a vampire, come on people, you know she will be eventually! She lives with Edward (duh!) and the rest of the Cullen's.)**

**Emmett's POV!**

How long does it take to take a god forsaken shower? That is the question I have been asking myself for the last two and a half hours while I have been waiting for Bella to get done with hers. I was pretty sure I was going to get in trouble because I was dripping mud all over the floors (that's what happens when you play baseball in the rain), Esme would not be thrilled. And I couldn't go into my room to change because Rosalie wouldn't let me back in there for at least a month if I got even one speck of dirt on our new carpet. Why she wanted white carpet is beyond me. I never would understand women. Growing more aggravated as time passed, and the mud dried, I angrily tapped on the door. Where was my dear brother Edward when I needed him? I couldn't find him anywhere and only he could make Bella hurry her little self up.

"Isabella Marie Cullen! What could you possibly be doing in the shower for two and a half hours? You took a shower and got dressed in under five minutes that one time we went to see Pirates of the Caribbean, just pretend that Orlando Bloom is out here right now waiting on you! I really need to wash this mud off; it's flaking into places I would rather not have things flaking." I hammered on the door a couple of more times, stopping when it began to splinter. I slid down to the floor, wishing I had thought to bring my PSP; at least I would have something to occupy my short attention span. Just then the doorknob clicked and out stepped a very wet and very happy Bella.

"Sorry about the wait, Emmett. I was really dirty." She gave mean embarrassed grin, and slipped past me. Just as I was about to walk into my long awaited shower, a voice came from the bathroom.

"Good thing I was in there to clean you up." Edward stepped out, steam blowing out behind him, with a towel wrapped around his waist. I could hear Bella giggle and she stuck her head out of her and Edward's room.

"Oh Edward, there's something I need your help with in the bedroom!" Edward winked at me and hurried in after her, one hand holding up his towel. I shook my head, why did Edward need to be in the bathroom when Bella was taking a shower? Then it came to me.

"Oh come on guys! I have to use that shower too!"

Then Edward stepped back out of his room, and smacked me upside the head. "That's for the Orlando Bloom comment."

I heard Bella roaring with laughter, and I decided that I would just go into my room and change, surely Rosalie would understand.

**Later that night!**

"Rosalie! Please let me in! We could just move the bed over the stain and no one would ever know!" I banged my head against the wall and heard a snicker behind me.

"Tough luck, bro." Edward walked out of his room, he had a blue robe tied around his waist and was pulling a smirking Bella behind him. "Well, we're off to take another shower. See you later." Then he glanced back at Bella and raised an eyebrow, "Or maybe not."

I was never taking a shower in this house again.

**(A/N: Okay, so I know the Cullen's have more than one bathroom, but let's just pretend they don't, shall we?)**


	17. EDWARD LIVES!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or New Moon, or Eclipse. But I do own the comfy couch, and I'm not sharing!**

My mom had finally decided that I'd cracked. That was the only explanation for why I was currently sitting on a comfy red leather couch being stared at by a man in chunky glasses. Which could only mean I was in one place: the therapist's office. My therapist had an uncanny resemblance to Emmett Cullen. I mean, he was huge! And that, my sane friends, is the reason I am here. I have what you call a "Fictional Infatuation" with the Cullen family. Which, in easy terms for those of you who are short a couple cards of a full deck, means that I believe that the Cullen's are real and that if I were to go to Forks, Washington, (Which is highly doubtful because I am scared of heights, so I can't fly, and I don't like long car rides, so there goes my only two modes of transportation.) I will find a white house in the middle of nowhere and inside there will be a family of vampires, and one human, waiting for me.

"Now, Ms. Nelson. Can you tell me why you are here?" Oh purr-lease. Like that file there didn't tell him!

"No good movies were playing, so I thought, 'I'll go have a good chat with my good friend the steroid-taking therapist.' So here I am." I saw his hand tighten around his pen. Obviously I had struck a chord. Holli Renee is my name, and annoying people is my game.

"I believe the reason you are here, among many others I'm sure, is because you have an unnatural obsession with a certain series of books." I raised one of my eyebrows. Oh no he didn't! Three snaps in a z formation I was about to have a BF! And I don't mean a boyfriend!

"Did you just call them "books"? They are so much more than books; they're like the Bible, only with not so many big words. I take offense to that, Mr. Therapist Man." He smoothed his page and began scribbling on it.

"I see your mom was correct. Can you explain why at school last week, you broke into the office and took over the P.A. system, screaming 'Everyone sing Happy Birthday to Edward Cullen! He's 107 today!'?"

"I think the obvious reason was that it was his birthday. I also think 107 is a very important mile-stone for a boy like Edward." Cue montage of various shots of Edward, such as Edward shirtless, Edward being emo with his hair in front of his face, Edward laughing in slow motion, etc.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm watching an Edward montage in my mind. It's set to the song "You're Not Alone" by Saosin. It's amazing; I wish you could see it." I stared at him, my eye twitching, trying to send it to him via mind e-mail. Apparently it didn't work.

"Are you having a seizure? Do you need medical assistance?" A brilliant plan popping into my head, I shook my head and began shaking my body hard, hard enough to knock me out of the couch and onto the floor. He shot to his feet and rushed out into the lobby. Stupid man, he should have just used the Intercom. I quickly pulled a black Sharpie out of my bag, and leapt to the window.

**Therapist Man's Point of View!**

First the girl accuses me of using steroids, and then she goes and has a seizure. She needs serious help, much more than I can give her. I rushed back into my office, after calling 911, expecting to find the girl were I left her. She was nowhere to be found, I swung around to face the window.

There wrote in humungous bubble letters was the phrase, "EDWARD LIVES!"

I need a vacation.

**liked,**** cuz that's probably going to be the last one you're going to get in awhile. Cuz just like Therapist Man, I need a vacation, so I'm going to my daddy's for two weeks and will probably be too busy to write. Well… probably not to write, just post! Also, if anyone has any good ideas for a one-shot, I'll be glad to hear them! It's hard making up all these random ones. As for the "fictional infatuation" as far as I know it's not a real condition, but if it is, I most definitely have it!)**


	18. Bad Day Again

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Edward, Bella, or Jacob. Stephenie Meyer ****does**** and I doubt she'll sell them to me. Isn't that called prostitution? Fuel owns this song.**

**This one popped into my head when I was listening to this song. ****Its**** set in New Moon, after Edward leaves, but before Bella knew Jake's secret. His "hairy little problem" if I can quote Harry Potter. Which I just did, so I guess I can! **

**Jacob's POV!**

I knew as soon as I pulled into the driveway, it was going to be one of those days again. You see, ever since me and Bella had started getting close I could always tell what sort of day we were going to have. It was a good day if she was waiting outside for me, usually with a smile on her face, although that smile might sometimes be a fake one. It was a bad day if she was inside; it meant that she most likely had not slept the night before; or that she had had another one of her incidents. Even when the Cullen boy was gone, he didn't stop affecting her. And I wasn't hesitant on saying that I hate him. **(GASP! Everyone throw rocks at him for saying he hates Edward!)**

"_Had a bad day again __She said I would not understand __She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again. __She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace. __Smeared the lipstick on her face.__Slammed the door and said "I'm __sorry,__ I had a bad day again_."

I ducked my head and tried to squirm out of my tiny car, I was way too tall to drive this thing. But I had spent a lot of time and effort on it. And even though it wasn't the best car out there, it still had a lot of problems; I didn't care if it was broken. Such things could be applied to other things, or people.

_"And she swears there's nothing wrong __I hear her playing that same old song __She__ puts me off and puts me on"_

I don't think Bella knows how much I care about her, how much I want to be with her. I would never leave her like that sick mosquito boy had. But I had to admit, Bella probably wouldn't be hanging out with me if he was here. I trudged up the walkway, letting myself in with the spare key I had seen Charlie use before. I couldn't keep the question of how exactly did _he_ sneak in? I knew he did, although Bella didn't like to talk about it. She didn't like to talk about him at all actually. I doubt he used the same means as us regular people did though. Not that I was completely regular.

"_H__ad a bad day again __She said I would not understand __She left a note that said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again." _

I walked past the kitchen and up the stairs, not even bothering to knock on Bella's closed door, I knew exactly what she was doing. So it was hardly a surprise when I saw here on the floor in front of her window, clutching her stomach like she had the stomach flu and gasping for breath. She looked up and struggled to force a sentence out.

"I'm having a bad day again, Jake." I slid down beside her, pulling her into a hug.

"I know, Bella. I know."

**So…**** I was rereading New Moon for the one billionth ****time****, and I realized that maybe Jake didn't suck as much as I thought he did. Shocking, I know. I still don't like him, but I don't exactly hate him anymore either. This was really just something I wrote after I realized all this. Plus, I really like this song. Is anyone getting sick of these yet? I love writing them... **


	19. Peaches

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything! TEAR!**

Edward Cullen had once told the love of his life that she brought out the human in him. This had intrigued Isabella Swan. Had the human Edward been different than the Edward she had fallen so much in love with? She right then and there vowed to herself she would find out as much as possible about the human Edward.

"Edward, when you were human what was your favorite fruit?" Edward lifted his head, which a moment before had been occupying its usual spot listening to her heart. The question had taken him off guard; he didn't remember much of his human life. He wracked his brain, but came up blank.

_"__Movin__' to the country,__gonna eat a lot of peaches__Movin__' to the country,__Gonna eat me a lot of peaches__Movin__' to the country,__gonna eat a lot of peaches__Movin__' to the country,__gonna eat a lot of peaches__Peaches come from a can,__they were put there by a man__In a factory downtown__If I had my little way,__I'd eat peaches every day__Sun-__soakin__' bulges in the shade__Take a little nap where the roots all twist__Squished a rotten peach in my fist__And dreamed about you, woman,__I poked my finger down inside__Make a little room for an ant to hide__Nature's candy in my hand or can or a pie__Millions of peaches, peaches for me__Millions of peaches, peaches for free__Look out!__"_

"Well, what's your favorite?" He smoothed a piece of her hair back out of her eyes. She glared at him.

"That wasn't the question." He rolled onto his back and looked up at her ceiling. "I asked what your favorite was." He reached down and took her hand, turning to face her.

"Whatever fruit you like the most must be the best possible fruit out there. Anything you call your favorite has to be absolutely wonderful."

"Edward Cullen, sometimes you are such a cheeseball, you are aware of that aren't you?" He frowned at her. "I love it, though." She quickly added. He propped his head up on his elbow, staring at her intently. She sighed, knowing he wouldn't let it go until she answered. "Peaches. I like peaches."

"Then my favorite is peaches." He whispered as he laid his head back down to listen to her heart.

**I needed fluff… so sue me. The song is be The Presidents of the United States of America.**


	20. Edward Rising!

**Hello there Senoritas (and Senors?) This particular one shot came to me while I was watching a little movie called Hannibal Rising. It's really creepy, but the boy is really cute. ****(In my opinion.)**** So enjoy, and review!**

**Edward Rising!**

Tonight was a good night. I had just gotten back from hunting so I had a t least a day's worth of uninterrupted Bella time ahead of me. Nothing could ruin this night, or that's what I thought.

Currently I was sitting on the couch, waiting for Bella to pick a DVD from my family's extensive collection. I expected it to be something along the lines of the Notebook, so when she happily showed me the cover, I was shocked to say the least.

"Out of the 400 some odd DVD's we own, you chose _Hannibal Rising_?" I raised an eyebrow. The sight of blood made her queasy, and she wanted to watch a movie about a sadistic psychopath cannibal? I shook my head and gestured for her to proceed. As she popped the disc into place, I quickly turned off the lights. She hurriedly ran over to the couch and into my waiting arms.

I chuckled quietly, "Scared already, are we?" She didn't take her eyes away from the screen as she shushed me, but I felt her snuggle more into my chest. I laughed, shaking her and she lightly slapped my shoulder.

**--Some time later—**

I was enjoying myself immensely. Contrary to what Bella wanted me to believe, she was scared. Very much so. She was trying to hide it, but eventually it got to be too much and she let me pull her onto my lap. She looked at me and smiled sheepishly, and then she turned back to the screen. A few seconds later I saw her flick her eyes to look at me again, then she swiftly moved them back to the Hannibal Lector, who was currently carving an "M" into some man's chest. He really was a delightful man, I can see why Bella would want to watch this, I thought to myself, rolling my eyes. Once again, I caught Bella flick her eyes back and forth. I felt her tense up and slightly pull away from me. Puzzled, I looked at her.

"Bella, what's wrong?" She jumped when I spoke her name. I felt her heart speed up, but I had a feeling it wasn't because I was close to her.

"It's nothing," She whispered, her voice shaking. "It's just, umm, he looks like you. He looks like you a lot." Was she serious? I mean, yes, there were some slight likeness between me and this Gaspard Ulliel actor, but not enough to warrant this.

"I think that's probably enough for tonight." I said, using the remote to switch of the T.V.

"Yes," she agreed. "It was a bit boring anyway." I bit back a laugh as she snuggled against me again, soon falling asleep.

**--Late that same night—**

I was fixing the blanket I had laid over Bella and the couch after she had fallen asleep when she began to twitch and mumble. Soon she started to kick violently and thrash like she was being burned. Worried, I gently shook her awake. Her eyes fluttered open, and I smiled at her.

"Did you have a bad dream?" She opened her eyes wider, and I felt her heart speed up again, much like before. Then she threw the blanket off, and jumped up off the couch.

"Bella, what are you doing?"

"Don't eat me! Please, don't!" I stood up, walking towards her. This was the moment I had come to dread, next came the screaming and the running.

"What are you talking about?"

"You stay away from me, Hannibal Lector!" Then it hit me, she wasn't scared of _me_, she was still frightened from the movie. Her bad dream had been about him, and she hadn't realized she had woke up.

"Bella, it's me. Edward. I'm not going to eat you. It was just a movie." I stepped towards her again, and saw her relax.

She took a deep breath. "Sorry. I guess that movie did get to me a little." She laid her head against my chest, and I wrapped my arms around her. Then I heard footsteps behind me, I could tell it was Emmett.

"Jeez, Bella. No need to scream. Besides, I thought you wanted Edward to change you, why the sudden change of heart? Make up your mind already."

**Isn't Emmett a dork? I was watching **_**Hannibal Rising**_** yesterday, and thought, "Hey, he ****sorta**** looks like what I think Edward would look like." So then came this random rambling. Hope you liked. Isn't it amazing, 3 updates in like 3 days!! Who's proud of me? Well, I'm going stop this A/N because I have to go babysit to get money to go see harry potter again. I swear I'm gonna marry that boy one day… or at least stalk him to the ends of the earth… wow, that was creepy. (I was talking about Daniel Radcliffe, btw. Not Rupert Grint.)**


	21. Author's Note!

**Ahhh, I promised myself I wouldn't do this! (Post a chapter that is just an Author's Note!) Usually I just put these above my chapters... but alas! I have severe writer's block. It just came on a couple of days ago... Before that I was just too busy going to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix every other day to update. I know! I know! I have abandoned you all for the sexy boy with the scar on his forehead! Then the 7th book came out, and I was in deep, deep, deep mourning! As those of you who have read it probably agree... **

**Anyways... before I get on the subject of that... I will try to update as soon as I can. Don't lose faith in me! (OMG, I sound so incredibly cheesy!) I have a couple of ideas up my sleeve, such as: Episode 3 of Hollywood with Holli, my first ever Harry Potter Fanfic (don't know what will happen with that one though.) and Part 3 of Adventures In Old-Navy Land. So... stay tuned!!**

**I love all you people!**

**PM me if you would like to discuss, or over analyze, the 7th book or 5th movie!!!**


	22. Hollywood with Holli 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter. Stephenie Meyer and J.K. Rowling do. And it doesn't matter how many times I try to use the Obliviate spell to try to make everyone believe I do, it still doesn't change that fact. ****(Who got that???)**

**(A/N: Baby, I'm back! Here is the**** third, highly anticipated ****episode of Hollywood ****with**** Holli!)**

**Holli: **Hey There Charlie! This may not be Candy Mountain, but it's good enough! Welcome to another fantabulous, spine tingling episode of Hollywood with Holli! Now, before we get to the show, I would like to announce that we have received 597 Emmy Nominations! It's a huge honor! **(Someone from the audience stands up and sheepishly raises a hand.) **Yes, man who has the nerve to interrupt my awesomeness?

**Man Who Had the Nerve to Interrupt Her Awesomeness: **Umm… ya, first time talker, long time watcher here. I don't mean to insult your intelligence or anything, but I don't think there are that many different categories for the Emmy's. **(Immediately the whole room falls silent.) **That's just a tip for you. **(He nervously sits down, looking at his feet.)**

**Holli: **Well, for your information, you're stupid. **(She snaps her fingers, and the man falls through a secret trap door.) **Does anyone else think there aren't 597 Emmy categories? Because you all have those convenient little doors under your seats. That's what we call "quality control". Now, today's show brings back a HWH regular, Mr. Edward Cullen. That takes care of the Edwardians, but for all you Scarheads out there, I didn't forget you! We also have a Mr. Harry Potter on today! For a little thing I have dubbed, "Battle of the Book Boys!" **(She points with both of her hands towards the two entrances, ****Harry Potter ****comes out of one, wearing a shirt that says, "Vampires Suck (and I don't mean blood)****"****. Edward Cullen comes out of the other, wearing just a plain, everyday shirt. Holli, torn between both of her obsessions, just sits there and tries not to explode from happiness.)**

**Harry: (looking awkward) **Well, er, Holli. Thanks for, er, having me on today.

**Holli: **Really, it's no problem at all. I just had to hold a couple of the interns hostage… uhm, I mean, persuade the writer's to push back our show on, "People Who Are Married To Animals". I thought this would please the majority of our watchers more. As they are 14 year old fangirls. **(Harry messes with his hair nervously and sits down beside Edward, who raises an eyebrow at him.)**

**Edward: **Are you serious? You people seriously don't know which one of us is better? I mean, look at him. **(The whole audience, and Holli, stares at Harry intently.)** Now, look at me. **(The swivel their heads to look at him.) **Now, who is the clear winner?

**Harry: **Well, mate; you're a little bit cocky, aren't you?

**Edward: **What makes you so special? Besides that stupid little scar on your forehead? It looks like you had an accident with a cow prodder.

**Harry: **Oh, I don't know innocent-deer-eater. Maybe the fact that I saved the world from Lord Voldemort?

**Edward: (opens his mouth to offer a retort) **

**Random PETA Member in the Audience: **You killed Bambi you **(edited for your viewing enjoyment)**

**Edward: (acting like nothing happened) **Whoa, did you poke him with your big bad stick?

**Harry: **I'm gonna shove my big bad stick somewhere you won't like it! **(Immature fangirls giggle.) **NO! Come on, not like that! Dirty minded fangirls! Get your mind out of the gutter! **(Whips out wand.)**

**Edward: **Keep it in your pants, stick boy! **(Harry jumps on him, throwing every spell he can think of at Edward. But, Edward, being the super-strong vampire that he is, ****the spells didn't affect him.)**

**Harry: **AAARRRGGHHH!

**Edward: **MWAHAHAHAHAHAOUCH! **(His evil laugh was cut short by Harry shoving his almighty stick into his eye.) **GOOD GOD! THAT'S LIKE THE ONLY PLACE I EVER FEEL PAIN! YOU STUPID WIZARD MOTHER **(edited for your viewing enjoyment)**

**Harry: **Sometimes I amaze myself with my freakish skills. **(Pulls Invisibility Cloak out of his robes and slips it on.) **I think I'll go get Ginny and buy her a Jamba Juice.

**Holli: **No! Harry, that's cheating! I still have 15 minutes to kill!

**Edward: **My eye really hurts!

**A/N: ****Welp****, I hope you liked! Harry Potter & Edward Cullen rock my socks! I 3 them! But I can't pick which one I like more!**


	23. I'm Loving It!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, or the blush inducing third installment of the Bella/Edward saga, Eclipse. (Page 187, people! I couldn't breathe! I didn't know Edward could be so naughty! But I can't honestly say I didn't like it….) McDonald's isn't mine either, because if it was, then those little piece of heaven they ****c****all a McGriddle would be all mine, and I would weigh 500 pounds.**

**Author's Note: This was written last year after the first time my friend read New Moon. I just found this when I was going through my note box, and thought it had some serious potential. **

**Holli and Kirra Meet Edward Cullen**

"Can I have a #6, hold the 6, a large Diet Coke (non-diet), Ketchup only on the burger, but without Ketchup? And an apple pie, but can you suck out the apple?" A stunning and fabulous blond/brunette girl named Holli asked a very confused and annoyed cashier named Shannequah. Which was weird, because Shannequah is a girl's name, and the cashier was a guy, albeit, a scrawny and pale guy, but a guy nonetheless.

"Yeah," said a gorgeous and curvaceous brownish haired girl named Kirra from beside the before mentioned annoying girl, Holli. "And can I get a double cheeseburger; hold the double and the cheese?"

"You are aware that you make no sense whatsoever, correct?" A smooth and sexy voice clearly said from behind them.

The two girls, not bothering to turn around, answered in unison, "That was the idea, sugar." A crystal clear tinkling laugh reached their ears, and they immediately looked at each other. Only one person could have a voice _and_ a laugh like that. Hardly daring to breathe, they swiveled and the blond girl immediately fell to her knees.

"Oh, God, Allah, Buddha, Jim Morrison, Elvis, and whoever else is up there, thank you so much! My prayers have been answered! Praise the lord and all you other deities too!" Then, brushing off some dirt and a few crushed fries she slowly pulled herself to her feet, and poked the supposed "Edward" in the eye with her finger.

His only response was, "Why exactly did you just poke me?"

"To see if you could feel it, it's one of my foolproof 'See If He Is the Real Edward Cullen Plans.'"

"So, can I be on my way now?" He asked, raising his eyebrow. Causing the two girls to pass out for a few seconds, not how the plan was supposed to go.

Picking their selves up off the ground, they yelled, "NO!" Then Kirra stepped forward.

"You could still not be a vampire; you could just be someone who has either a very high pain tolerance, or someone with some seriously heavy duty contacts. It's time for Plan 2. What are our names, if you really are the real Edward Cullen, you would know, because we're thinking them as hard as we can." As if to prove their point, they screwed up their faces in a look of deep conversation.

Thinking it best to leave the situation as soon as possible, Edward quickly decided on a game plan. "That's easy, you're Kate," he pointed to Holli, "and you're Kerri." He pointed to Kirra. They immediately began to cry, they had come so close to meeting the real Edward Cullen.

"Fine," they mumbled. "You can go now, sorry for freaking you out." Then they walked slowly out of McDonald's, forgetting all about tormenting the cashier. Once in the parking lot, they looked up to see the boy they had just poked in the eye get into a car, holding a paper bag. As the car backed up and turned towards the exit, it passed them. When they looked into the window, they saw eight people sitting, but only one person eating. They all looked very familiar. The driver looked almost exactly like Carlisle Cullen.

The Edward boy leaned out the window and headed them each a cheeseburger. "You left your cheeseburgers. I got your McGriddles just like you like them. See you around, Holli and Kirra." Only when the car pulled away and down the highway did it sink in.

"Oh my gosh." Holli and Kirra said together. "We met the real Edward Cullen!!!" Then, with a quick glance at each other, they ran after the car that was driving into the distance.

**Hee-hee****, what I wouldn't do to meet Edward Cullen. I am so obsessed….**


	24. I Don't Have to Wonder

**Disclaimer: Hey ****Ya'll****! What you all Cowgirls (and Cowboys!) up too? In case you haven't noticed, I've gone country! ****I don't own the dagnabbit books, or the dagnabbit song! So, go spit in a bottle thing that I don't remember what the actual name is!**

**Author's Note: Despite the stupid and random Disclaimer, this story is another sad one. Some people won't read my sad ones, they just skip to the funny and/or stupid ones (that I love to death!) but, this has been stuck in my head since reading Eclipse, and I want it out! Cause I have a seriously conflicted thing with Jacob. Like one page I'll like him, the next I'll hate him, and the next I'll feel sorry for him, it's unreal and this song just really put into perspective of what he was feeling and what he could possibly do. For this to work, you guys are going to have to ignore the Epilogue of Eclipse, or at least the part where Jacob leaves. This is set at Edward and Bella's wedding. But I don't give any details, and they don't talk or anything, I just wanted to focus on Jacob. I know this isn't one of my best oneshots, but I just felt the need to post it.**

I Don't Have to Wonder (by Garth Brooks) Jacob's Point of View!

_"__Drove to the church, i__n my suit and tie, b__ut I just couldn't bring myself t__o go inside. __So I sat alone, i__n my truck across the street. __Watched that chauffeur __smokin__' cigarettes b__y that long white limousine."_

I stood by the clearing in the trees that, should I walk through it, would lead me to her. And inevitably him. I felt the sharp edges of the too-elaborate invitation in my hands, but didn't notice when they sliced a neat line across my palm. I took a step forward, but immediately pulled it back. I couldn't make myself go in.

_"I could just imagine w__hat__ was __goin__' on in there. __Sunlight __screamin__' through the stained glass, a__nd those flowers in her hair. __And, in less time than it takes a tear to fall, t__hose bells rang loud as thunder, s__s they opened up the doors. __Now I don't have to wonder anymore"_

Just as I took a deep breath and willed myself to walk into the brightly lit by sunlight, and fairly crowded, meadow, I heard an uprising of cheers and knew that it was over. She was tied to him in a more real way then she had ever been; now it was official. Not like it wasn't before, but this was somehow worse, this was quantifiable. This cut me so much worse than the paper cuts had, this cut worse than anything ever had.

_"__Laughin__' and a __cryin, t__ossin__' that bouquet. __And when you got in that limo, __I drove off the other way. __And I still don't know w__hy things happened like they did. __But I parked that old pickup o__n that lonesome river bridge.__"_

About twenty-five feet away from me, I saw them walk back down the aisle. She was leaving Charlie, Renee, me. almost everyone that she loved behind. And I knew, with a dizzying sense of climax, that she was going somewhere where I couldn't follow, no matter how much I might have wanted to. I was aware that the Cullen's knew that I was here, but they made no move to talk to me. They didn't even look my way, and Bella, she must have had no clue. I turned away, and it seemed like seconds later, I was on top of that cliff. The cliff Bella had so very nearly lost her life, but I had been there to save her. I noticed the fact that no-one would be here to save me. It held a sort of grim satisfaction for me.

_"__I took your ring from my pocket, __An d I held it one last time, __Watched that diamond sparkle__I drew back and I let her fly, __And in less time than it takes to tear to fall, __Oh that old ring went under __Lord, and now it's gone for sure, __No and I don't have to wonder anymore, __Well the angels sang like thunder, a__s I felt myself go under. __Now I don't have to wonder anymor__e"_

**Author's Note: Okay, so in case you didn't pick up on it, Jacob jumps off the same cliff Bella cliff dives off of in New Moon, and yes, he does die. I didn't kill him just because I don't like him, I actually thought of him when I heard the song. So, I hope you liked!**


	25. Gone Forever

**Disclaimer: You'd think that after 24 chapters, you people would pretty much take it for granted that I don't own it…. But, just in case, I don't own it.**

**Author's Note: Guess what? This one's another sad one! So grab the tissues and get ready to sob uncontrollably… Well, it's not that sad. In fact, it's nowhere near as sad as the last one. Still, if you're as overemotional as me, you'll still cry. This is pretty sad, since I cried during High School Musical 2.**** I know my last chapter was a song fic also, but I can't help it that I find these songs that just totally fit in my mind. This takes place after Edward leaves in New Moon, but before she starts to hear his voice. It just fits better like that.**

**Gone Forever by Three Days Grace**

I try so hard not to think of _him_. I spend all my energy on locking him away in the back of my mind. The thing is that, usually, I can just take all the bad memories and repress them so much it's almost like they never happened to me. It's like it happened to someone I barely knew, something I heard in passing about a total stranger. So, uncharacteristically, I couldn't lock even the tiniest bit of him away permanently. It was like my own personal hell, even though it was my only form of happiness. Happiness I paid dearly for.

_"__Don't know what's going on_

_Don't know what went wrong__Feels like a hundred years _

_I __Still can't believe you're gone_

_So I'll stay up all night_

_With these bloodshot eyes_

_While these walls surround me with the story of our life__"_

I tell myself over and over that I'm so much better off without him, I tell myself that so much it's become my official motto. It's easier to try to hate him, I can function so much better than when I'm not trying to remember every detail of everything about him. It just throws into sharper relief all that I lost. All that I'll never get back.

_"__I feel so much better_

_Now that you're gone forever_

_I tell myself that I don't miss you at all__I_

_'m not lying, denying that I feel so much better now_

_That you're gone forever__"_

I made a mental list of all the things I didn't have to worry about anymore.

1. My life being in danger every time he was within 100 feet of me.

2. The possibility of losing my soul just to be with him forever.

That's as far as I ever got. And on the days when I wasn't in the mood to try to convince myself the only two things that I could even justify putting on the list were true, I realized that these things never once bothered me the whole time he had been by my side. I have never worried about him losing control; I had even frequently ignored his careful precautions and boundaries. As for the soul thing, I no more believed that then I believed Santa Claus was real. It was just careful half-truths that I propped up with faulty evidence to try to dull the pain.

_"__Now things are coming clear_

_And I don't need you here_

_And in this world around me_

_I'm glad you disappeared_

_So I'll stay out all night_

_Get drunk and bleep and fight_

_Until the morning comes _

_I'll__Forget about our life__"_

So when anyone ever dares to ask about him, or if they let it slip, I just shrug and say these exact words, "I'm sort of glad he's gone." All the while my insides are tearing up, and I'm fighting just to stay upright. I can tell they don't buy it.

_"__I feel so much better_

_Now that you're gone forever_

_I tell myself that I don't miss you at all_

_I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now_

_That you're gone forever_

_First time you screamed at me_

_I should have made you leave_

_I __should have known it could be so much better_

_I hope you're missing me_

_I hope I've made you see_

_That__ I'm gone forever__"_

I don't buy it either. I know that behind my constant façade, there is just a broken heart and mangled mind. The next step in my craziness/denial would be actually hearing his voice. I welcome the day I'll finally snap. Anything is better than this.

_"__And now it's coming clear_

_That I don't need you here_

_And in this world around me_

_I'm glad you disappeared _

_I__ feel so much better_

_Now that you're gone forever_

_I tell myself that I don't miss you at all_

_I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now_

_That you're gone forever_

_And now you're gone forever_

_And now you're gone forever__"_

I'll just keep telling myself that, and every time I do, I'll remember how bad of a liar I am.

**Author's Note: Okay, this doesn't really fit how Bella felt. But this was how I like to think I would have handled it. But I probably would have spent the rest of my life in the fetal position with a constant supply of Oreos and watch the movies Titanic and ****The**** Notebook over and over. By the way, did anyone get my one halfway funny line in here??? Probably not, but if you guess it, you can tell me to write ****a****oneshot**** about anything you want.**


	26. The Problem with Myspace

**Disclaimer: Yeah, don't own it. And every time I have to type it, it makes me feel really sad that I don't get to claim Edward Cullen.**

**Author's Note: This is a ****semi ****funny one! Oh my gosh! Who is excited to actually laugh again??? Cuz I am! WOO AND HOO! Let's get to it then! T****his is set somewhere in Eclipse, but the video has to set somewhere before he met Bella.**

**The Problem with Myspace**

**Bella's Point of View**

We were at lunch when it happened. All day long, these whispers and strange looks had followed Edward wherever he went, but he either wasn't paying any attention or not showing that he noticed. As for me, well, I was too wrapped up in him (like I was all the time) to really care at all. But when we all took our seats at our regular table, things started to get interesting.

Angela and Ben sat beside each other, shooting covert looks at Edward when they thought he wouldn't notice. Then they bent their heads together and whispered. I'm sure Alice and Edward could hear every word they muttered crystal clear(in fact I knew Edward heard because he immediately clicked his teeth together and clenched his fists), but me being the worthless human that I was, I couldn't; I quickly stepped in.

"Um, guys? What are you whispering about?" I frowned when I noticed how Jessica-like I sounded. They immediately stopped and looked at me sheepishly. I was surprised to see Alice trying in vain to hold back a large and beaming smile. She looked somewhere in between busting out in tears (which I knew couldn't happen) or trying not to vomit. (Which I knew wasn't the case either.) Why would Alice be so happy about something, and Edward be the complete opposite? Then I recalled something that had happened earlier.

_Alice had dragged me into the bathroom, even though we were supposed to be on our way to school, and in the middle of trying to flatten a particularly vertical piece of hair, her eyes went blank. I knew what was going on, so I reached up to grab the brush from her hand, intending to make her sit down. But just as my fingers brushed the handle, she fell to the floor laughing. Only after Edward pounded on the door, saying something like, "Alice, what in the world could you possibly be laughing like a hyena for? Do you think you could wrap it up so we can get to school?__" did she pull herself together.__ When I had tried to ask what she had seen, she just motioned for me to be quiet__, pointed outside to where I knew Edward was standing,__ and opened the door. __Just as I thought, __Edward stood right outside,__ with a puzzled look on his face__Evidently Alice was blocking her thoughts, because he looked just as out of the loop as I felt._

A small giggle pulled me out of my flashback. I looked up to see Alice looking at Edward, and with each passing second he read her thoughts, his face grew more and more angry. And, if I had to guess, a little bit of embarrassment was thrown in there too. Now it looked like I was the only one who had no clue what was going on. I waited until we were walking to our next class to approach the subject. Tugging on his sleeve with the hand he wasn't holding, I began, "What was going on back there? What did she see this morning?"

"Who said she saw anything this morning? Or was that what she was laughing hysterically about when you two were in the bathroom?" I grinned sheepishly up at him. But I wouldn't be distracted.

"Well, she told me not to tell you. And it didn't seem like it was anything bad, if it had been, I would have told you, even if it meant Alice would have been upset with me. Stop trying to change the subject and just tell me what's going on."

"It's a bit embarrassing." As soon as the words left his mouth, I was racking my brain for anything that I'd done that could have been considered embarrassing and felt my stomach turn at the considerably long list that filled my head. Sensing my discomfort, he quickly explained. "It has nothing to do with you, at least not directly." I took a deep breath and tried to relax, going through the other options.

"Is is Alice?" He shook his head no. "Jasper?" Again, I got a no. "Rosalie?" No. Then I grinned, why hadn't I thought of it before? "It's Emmett, isn't it?" He surprised me by slowly nodding his head no. I was puzzled; I had thought Emmett was it for sure. "Well, it's not Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, or Emmett. And I know almost for a fact that it's not Carlisle or Esme……." Then realization hit me, however unbelievable it was. "It's you?" He slowly nodded his head, and being an expert in blushes, I'm sure he would have been red if he could have been. I, however, jumped at the chance to be the one smiling when _he _detailed something embarrassing _he_ had done. "So, spit it out. What did you do?" I felt a tad bit guilty that I was enjoying this so much, but it was overshadowed by glee.

"I don't really know all the details; we'll have to wait till we get to your house and log onto the internet to find out. Do you think you can contain your enthusiasm till then?" A small blush colored my cheeks and he smiled. We'll just see who's smiling later, Mr. Cullen. We shall see.

**After School.**

I pushed my truck to its limit, much to Edward's chagrin. Apparently he was a tad bit offended that I was reveling in his pain so much, I just told him not to be so dramatic. I pulled into the driveway, briefly making contact with the curb. I scrambled out of the truck and, for once, beat Edward to my room. It wasn't because I was fast; it was probably due to the fact that he had decided to take his own sweet little time. I fired up my computer, muttering that it most likely would have been faster to build a brand new one from scratch, I'm sure Jasper or Carlisle would know how. Edward finally made his way up the stairs and into my room just as I had successfully signed onto my unbelievably slow internet service. Gesturing for me to get up out of the seat, he gracefully sat down and pulled me onto his lap. His fingers flew over the keys, so fast I couldn't see what he was typing. But, no matter how fast he typed, the page still had to load. Edward decided to take evasive action. He pulled me tighter to him and ran his hand up and down my leg. It took all I had to at least halfway focus on the screen. He chuckled and turned my face away, and I let him.

"I love you, Bella. Have I told you that today?" He whispered, and I laughed at his cheeseball attempt to make me forget his impending embarrassment.

"I believe you have, Edward. Multiple times." I rolled my eyes, but I also gave him a small kiss on his forehead. Cheeseball or not, I loved him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and I felt him reach around me to type something else. Knowing he still had a good five minutes before the page loaded, he wrapped his arms around my waist, shifting me so I couldn't see the screen at all. Somehow seeing him doing something embarrassing didn't seem like such a big deal like it had just a few seconds ago. He nuzzled my neck and I giggled, enjoying just being alone with him. Then I felt him freeze, he was as still as a statue. Puzzled, I shifted my head to look in his eyes. They were wide, and they looked a bit frightened. Then I slowly turned to face the screen.

The page was from Myspace, it looked like it was Emmett's page (I didn't know he had one, but you could obviously tell it was his.) Right smack in the middle of the page there was a video, a video of Edward looking into a mirror. Smiling hugely, I clicked play; and watched the cinema magic fold out in front of me.

_He faced the mirror, ran his hand back and forth through his already messed hair, making it look like he had recently been attacked by a leaf blower. Then he walked to the door, opened it, stuck his head out, looked up and down the hall, then clicked it shut and turned the lock. Next he went to the window, securely locked all the windows, pulled the shades, checked to make sure there were no openings, then he made his way to the closet. He opened the door, and before taking a step in, called out, "I know you're in there __Alice, come out." A mad looking Alice stomped out carrying a video camera. After he shut, clicked, and locked the door again behind her, he seemed satisfied that whatever he was going to do wouldn't be discovered. Looks like he was wrong._

I craned my neck around to look at him; he had his face in his hands. Smiling suddenly, I turned back.

_Satisfied that apparently no one was in the closet, he stepped in and a few seconds later came out with a large box labeled "Old CD's" But the suspicious look on Edward's face made me almost certain that the box held anything but CD's. With another quick glance around the room, just to make sure no one was there, he opened the box and pulled out what seemed to be a long sparkly robe, and what at first seemed like a hat with ears like you would get at Disney World, but what really turned out to be__a wizard's hat. The screen went black, and the theme from Lord of the Rings started playing._

"Well, honestly, that wasn't that bad. I mean, yes, it's a little bit embarrassing, but nowhere near enough for you to be so upset." I ran my hands through his hair, trying to cheer him up. But then the music cut off and I heard someone start to talk.

_The video had cut to a large room, filled with pre-teen and acne faced teenage boys sitting in a large circle. In the middle of the circle there was a game board, with several little game pieces and oddly shaped dice. Suddenly, all the talking cut off, and a door opened on the side. Everyone stood up and began a sort of weird chant sounding thing. Out of the door stepped someone who looked very familiar, __but somehow not. The person was wearing a robe and hat that looked suspiciously like the one Edward had pulled out of the box.__ He did a funky sort of hand gesture that the whole circle immediately repeated. Then they called out in a loud voice: _

_"All hail High Wizard Master Edward!"_

_Then the camera juked around and a grinning Emmett laughed and held up a thumbs up sign, mouthing "He's such a loser!" into the camera._

_Then it all went black._

Silence followed the end of the video. Then, I couldn't help it; I busted out laughing so hard that I fell off of the chair and Edward's lap. Even though I was vaguely aware that my entire backside hurt, I still couldn't break off the insane giggling. Edward still had his head in his hands, and after a few minutes I felt horrible. I got up off the floor and walked over to him. I lifted his hands off of his face, and sat down in his lap. He leaned his head on my shoulder.

"It's honestly not that bad, Edward. Everyone will forget about it. I'm sure by tomorrow there will be something even better going around." I felt him relax and he tightened his arms around me. Then he leaned up, and though his eyes were still a tiny bit embarrassed, he smiled. Then he pressed his lips to mine. After what seemed like several very long minutes, he pulled back just as my stomach rumbled.

Laughing, he said, "Hungry much?"

Glaring at him, I retorted, "You know it, High Wizard Edward. Maybe you can use your magic wand and magically make a bowl of Spaghettios appear in front of me." Needless to say, he stopped laughing.

**Author's Note: Wow that was sorta long for me. In case you didn't catch on, he was the leader of some crazily obsessed**** Dungeon and Dragons type thing. Except I made him totally geeky and dressed him in a wizard outfit, I just wanted to lighten the mood a little bit and get back into the swing of things being totally OOC and random.**


	27. The Way He Thinks of Her

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Edward, or anything else that makes even a little bit of Moo-lah. Not that that is the point of Twilight. The point of Twilight is the Edward Cullen rocks total socks.**

**Author's Note: So yesterday, at like 8, I was reading some Fanfiction, and I sorta got into the mature rated ones… and I was blushing like a crazy person! So this is a ****REALLY ****watered down version of some of those. They're not going to do it, because I don't think I could do it anywhere close to justice. I just think it's cute the Edward thinks about Bella like that, even though it sounds a bit creepy. So here it goes:**

**The Way He ****Think****s**** of Her **

Edward Cullen sits at his piano bench, absentmindedly playing whatever notes his hands wander to. He's thinking of the one thing that almost constantly fills his mind. Which if you can't guess what it is, I'm not even going to tell you.

His Bella has been gone for almost a whole day, another shopping trip with his dear sister Alice. These shopping trips were a type of hell for both of them. For him, he has to suffer long immeasurable hours without her for no good reason. For her, she has to go without seeing him, or looking into his eyes for at least a good six hours; and the simple fact that shopping with Alice was a form of torture.

No doubt right about now, Alice is dragging Bella through Victoria's Secret, or some store like that, making her blush and flush with all the clothing (or should he say, lack of clothing?) choices she has so thoughtfully chosen for her to wear.

Edward knows that Emmett greatly appreciates when Rosalie wore similar outfits; he hears enough of his thoughts to be sure of that. He's sure, what with Emmett's short attention span and all, it might take something like that after a few hundred years to, for the sake of his own mind he'll say, _get in the mood._ Anything more graphic and it might just drive him insane.

Suddenly his mind flashes to Bella, and she's not wearing much of anything. Shaking his head to clear it, his hands stumble on the piano. Still the image doesn't leave his mind. He knows it's not right to think of her like that, but sometimes that doesn't stop him. He's grateful that he's the only one in his talented family with the gift of mind reading, although sometimes he knows Jasper can feel it. Thankfully Jasper has just a bit more tact than Emmett would in a similar situation, and he doesn't mention it. But sometimes he catches him giving him awkward looks.

But, even though he shouldn't think about it, he wonders if the outfit would really matter to him at all. If he could touch her and hold her like he wanted, like she wanted, would what she was wearing matter in the end? He didn't think so. She was more appealing to him in her ratty sweatpants and one of his old t-shirts than she would ever be in a piece from Rosalie's extensive wardrobe. Now, he wasn't saying he wouldn't appreciate every second she spent in one of those outfits, but it just wasn't something that was in her comfort zone. And if it wasn't in hers, it most definitely wasn't in his.

Suddenly the door flies open, and Alice and his glorious angel walk in, each holding at least a half a dozen bags. Just as he thought, he can see at least three that have Victoria's Secret emblazoned across the front. Bella sees his wandering eyes, and he thrills to the blush that covers her face and neck. Even now, as he feels a bit ashamed for his earlier thoughts, his mind wanders back to his previous question.

Would the outfit matter to him in the slightest?

Looking at Bella now, in her jeans with a hole in the knee, a blue plaid shirt with a white tank top underneath, and her hair up in a messy ponytail, a few lone strands pulled down in front of her face, he gets his answer in the fact that he's already breathing harder as he reaches out to pull her tightly against him.

No, it wouldn't matter one bit.

Ignoring Alice's exasperated sigh (he knew she couldn't wait to force Bella into a couple of her new outfits) he covered Bella's lips with his own, and walked backward towards the piano bench. He sits down and gently pulls her down with him. She gives one last glance to Alice, who rolls her eyes and heads upstairs, most likely to show Jasper all her new purchases, and then she turns back to him and gives him a small smile. The small smile sets his mind, and body, on fire like nothing else could, or should. Acting on impulse, he decides that maybe, just this once, he'll let his mind wander.

The End.

**Author's Note: So there's that. I was actually thinking of making it a two shot, and the other part would be from either Bella's point of view, or another one from Edward's. But I was waiting to see how people liked this one. I'm actually pretty happy with how it turned out. It's not too adult-contentish, but it's not for young children's eyes either. I like the balance. So, let me know what you think. Reviews are always greatly appreciated, and I almost always reply back. So let me know what you think, or ask any questions you have... That's what I'm here for.**


	28. Christmas Spirit

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or Elf!**

**Author's Note: Yeah, I love Christmas. I just saw **_**Fred Claus**_**. One of my favorite movies in the whole world is **_**Elf.**_** I need some Christmas-y Twilight-y Edward-y Bella-y funness.**

**Christmas Spirit**

There is no better time of the year than Christmas. The presents, lights, sounds, movies, snuggly sweaters, cozy mittens and hats. Building snowmen. Holding hands with someone special and walking around outside until you're so cold your nose turns red. Watching T.V. specials like _Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer _and_ Frosty the Snowman._ It's enough to make even the Grinch happy.

Too bad it only comes around once a year.

But Bella Swan isn't one to let that get her down. Today she thinks it's a great day for a Christmas classic. Grabbing her favorite penguin pajamas and warm blanket, she kicks back in the recliner Charlie usually resides in and hits play.

The opening credits of _Elf_ fill her ears and she feels that smile already spreading across her face. Just the sounds of swirling snow issuing from the speakers make her wrap the blanket around her more closely. It feels good to just forget about her vampire/werewolf troubles and just get lost in the innocence that makes up Buddy the Elf. She giggles when she sees him sitting in a too-small desk next to a tiny elf girl. She feels just like a kid again.

An unnecessary knock on the door makes her giggles turn into laughs… "Just come in, silly! You know Charlie isn't home!" Quicker than quick, Edward Cullen is by kneeling by her side, one eyebrow raised in confusion. And confusion never looked so good.

"And what, may I ask, are you so incredibly giddy about?" Sent into hysterics by his use of the word "giddy" she points to the screen. Edward slowly turns his head and watches the movie in silence for a moment, waiting for Bella to regain her composure. When she finally does, he picks her up and swiftly sits her back down, this time in his lap.

While he's tucking the blanket around her, she answer's his question. "This movie, it's just impossible to not be happy while watching this."

"Oh yes, Will Ferrell running around in tights is my definition of a happy movie." She lightly slaps him on the arm before he continues. "Besides, it's only November, aren't we a bit early to break out the Christmas movies?"

"It's never too early to get into the Christmas spirit."

**&Later That Night&**

Bella had spent the last hour "bonding" with her father. Edward had left at nine, and Bella didn't want to rush right upstairs after his departure and risk hurting her father's feelings. So, it was with hidden anxiousness that she watched a mini-marathon of _Andy Griffith_, trying not to laugh at how her dad looked up to him.

But, as we all knew she would, she let a few giggles escape. And, after explaining herself, Charlie was quick to change the channel, finally settling on a basketball game.

Taking her cue, Bella wishes him goodnight and bounces up the stairs. She's a few steps along her hall when she notices a soft, warm light issuing from her room. Knowing Edward is already waiting, she doesn't hesitate to speed up and rush in.

What she finds takes her breath away. Her room had been changed into a Winter Wonderland. The bedposts, windowsills, borders of the door, and legs of her desk were covered in white Christmas lights. A giant Christmas tree was in the exact center of her room, lit up and sparkling like nothing she had ever seen. But that's not what was holding her attention.

Edward Cullen sat on the edge of her bed, dressed in a fluffy white coat that made him look oddly like a marshmallow, brown mittens that corresponding with a brown ski-hat with tassels hanging off that was shoved on the top of his unruly hair. He smiled at her and glided towards her, pulling an identical hat off his head and placing it on hers in one fluid motion. She laughed quietly. "What brought all this on? Earlier today you were practically Mr. Scrooge."

He smiled wide. "I believe it was you that said it's never too early to get into the Christmas Spirit, and speaking of Christmas Spirit." He gestured above her head at a large bunch of mistletoe hanging above her head.

"Well, who am I to break tradition?" She said, using the tassels of his hat to pull her down to her level, the better to kiss him.

**Author's Note: Oh. Fluff is great. Christmas is great. Elf is greater. But Edward is the greatest.**


	29. Baby, Its Cold Outside

**Author's Note: This is based on a dream I had, except I made it a little bit more normal since my original dream involved a ginormous stereo in the middle of nowhere, Edward living in a really cute little trailer/house thing that looks like the one I live in, and Esme asking him to sample her Christmas cookies.**** This is set after Eclipse, probably extremely right after it.**

**Baby, ****it's****cold**** Outside**** (Bella's POV!)**

I watched the fat, delicate tiny little of lace-like patches of snow fall gently to the ground, which was already deeply covered at least a half a foot deep, while in the background I could just barely hear the local weatherman droning on about how there were record lows all around the state, and Forks was no exception. He also said that the snow would be frozen to ice within three hours of now, so anyone who wanted to brave the icy-cold wind and play in the snow had better bundle up and head out now. I cocked my head back towards the TV at this, and bit my lip thoughtfully. I hadn't played in the snow much as a child, it being too cold, and I had definitely not wanted anything to do with it since then. But it was strange, I had this weird feeling that I _needed_ to go outside and play in the snow, despite the obvious facts that I hated snow and that it was the coldest it had been in Forks history. I didn't know if it was the fact that soon it wouldn't matter if the whole town of Forks froze over, I still wouldn't feel the air bite at my skin or the wind take all feeling from my ungloved fingers, just one of the few infinitely small drawbacks to me becoming a vampire, not that you'd catch me complaining. Or any other day besides this one, caring.

My mind made up, I scrambled to the front door and yanked it open, not stopping to grab a jacket or gloves, something that was sure to get me into trouble. Or dead from hypothermia or pneumonia, something along those lines, I had almost made it to the front door when I felt a gentle tug on my hand. Sighing, I turned to glance at who had stopped my mad dash for the snow, knowing before I looked who it would be. Edward. He had one eyebrow shot up and a tight-lipped grimace on his lips.

"Hiya Edward!" I sang, hoping to charm my way out of this.

"Hello there, Bella." He said, his stern voice a little ruined by the fact that his lips had pulled up into a small smile despite himself.

"What can I help with?" I replied innocently, as if my running outside in the unbearably cold with just a thin, long-sleeve grey Henley and slip-on clogs occurred daily.

"What, if you don't mind me asking, do you think you are doing?" His arms that were covered in a deep-brown extremely soft knitted sweater were now crossed.

"Actually, I do mind your asking, so, if you'll excuse me…" I said, turning back to the wide front door quickly, but it was no use.

"I don't think so Bella. Are you aware of the fact that it is, at the highest, about ten degrees outside at this very moment?" While he was speaking, he had slowly and gently reeled me back from the door and into his arms like some kind of human fishing line.

"I am perfectly and totally aware of that, Edward." I mumbled into his cold sculpted chest. "And, to be quite honest, I don't care one little bit. What could my going out and playing in the snow for a few minutes hurt?" I looked up into his twinkling eyes and knew I was about to get it.

"What could it hurt?" He scoffed. "What could if hurt, you ask? Well, for starters, it could hurt you. You could fall, slip on some ice; accidentally get ran over by a snowplow, trip over a hidden stick, not to mention the medical consequences since it is so cold outside, the possibilities are endless, Bella." I had tuned out after he had asked the question the first time; I was currently staring out of the panes of glass on that decorated the front door, wondering if the snow was already starting to freeze over. He pulled me back so he could look down at my face. "Are you even listening to me, Bella?" In fact, I hadn't been, but my quick lie had gotten caught in my throat when I looked into his eyes again. I'm sure the effect made me look a little out of it.

"Oh, um, of course I was Edward." I laid my forehead on his chest again and gently shook my head back and forth a few times. "But, think about it, there's a lot less accident potential in playing in the snow then there is doing other things. Just five minutes, please?" I realized I sounded like a 5-year old girl wanting to stay up past her bedtime, but I didn't care. The need to play in the snow was still strong, and my maturity could be forgotten for the time being. I felt his chest heave as he sighed, a bit on the dramatic side.

"Fine, Bella, fine, but not for very long, I don't want you freezing out there in the cold!" I squealed and giggled, I even jumped up and down a couple of times, which was really unlike me. Edward rolled his eyes, but he had a wide smile spread across his face, so I knew he was fine. "You can go out," he continued, "but only if you were the proper clothing." I groaned, sure that he would go completely overboard. He zipped off up the stairs and was back before I could even tap my foot impatiently, he surprised me by only holding a thick poufy black jacket and a pair of fuzzy pink mittens. I hurriedly slipped them on and grabbed his hand, trying to pull him towards the door, but he wouldn't budge.

"Edward! Come on, the weatherman said that the snow would freeze over before we knew it!" I looked back at him, but he still hadn't moved. He had a weird, sad look on his face.

I walked back towards him and gently smoothed the hair that came down in his face back. "What's wrong?" He just shook his head and half-heartedly smiled, but the look didn't leave his eyes, and the smile didn't touch them.

"Bella, I can't go with you." I opened my mouth to protest furiously. "It's not because I don't want to, but it's just so cold. That, combined with my already low body temperature, would, if I touched even the small part of you that is uncovered, it would, well, it would be sort of like, well, it would be like if you stuck your tongue on a light pole." He stared at his feet sheepishly, and obviously upset.

"Oh. Well, that's okay; I didn't want to go out there that bad anyway…" I lied feebly, trying to make him feel better. He shook his head before I had finished my sentence.

"No, Bella. You go, just don't stay out too long, and I'll be here when you come back in. It's not every day it snows this much, and even more rarely, that you want to play in it. So, go." He smiled, and it reached his eyes this time, zipped up my jacket the rest of the way, and lightly pushed me out the door. I took a few steps out into the fresh snow, and for a few minutes all I did was amble around, looking at the patterns different animals and I had made in the clean, sparkly snow. I looked up towards the sky, wondering if it was going to snow some more, when my foot hit a small patch of ice and I lost my balance, falling flat on my face.

"Ouch. " I groaned, the pain wasn't that bad, but the spot I had landed on was already a little sore. Instead of trying to pull myself to my feet, I just laid back and looked up at the sky again. There was complete silence and it was sort of peaceful and beautiful, when all of the sudden, I heard a humungous bang and I whipped my head around to where the sound was coming from.

Edward had, as soon as he had seen me fall, rushed upstairs and pulled on every bit of winter clothing he could find. He had on a tan toboggan with a red ball on the top shoved onto his head. Under the toboggan, he had pulled a black ski mask over his face and neck where it met an enormous yellow parka, buttoned all the way up to his throat. Enormous black gloves covered his hands and he had thrown on a pair of those snowsuit overalls to cover his legs. All in all, not one piece of Edward was visible except for his eyes and lips. After he had pulled on this ridiculous outfit, he had flung down the stairs and slammed out the door in his hurry to get to me. Now he stood above me, unsure if he should move me, in case anything was broken, like my neck.

As I looked up at him, I began to laugh. The intensely worried look on his face turned to confusion. "Are you in shock?" He asked.

I managed to choke out an "N-n-n-o." between my fits of giggles. Once I had calmed down a little more, I looked up at him again. "What are you wearing? Is that Alice's toboggan?" I clamped my hand over my mouth to try to stifle the hysterical laughter issuing from my mouth.

He looked down at himself. "Well, I didn't know if you would be hurt or not, and if you were hurt I would have to carry you into the house, wouldn't I? And I didn't want the whole "light pole" situation to make you more uncomfortable." His tone was a little clipped, and I could tell he didn't like that I was making fun of him. I hiccupped and stopped laughing.

"Well, I'm not hurt. So that's good." He shook his head yes, but wouldn't meet my gaze. "I'm sorry, Edward, for laughing at you. It's sweet that you put all of this on just to make sure I was okay. But seriously, is the yellow parka for real?" I giggled again, and this time he laughed, crystal clear and loud. It echoes around the trees.

"I guess I _do _look extremely ridiculous." He allowed, shrugging his shoulders lightly. I laughed again and he offered me a hand, which I gladly took. Once he pulled me to my feet I took a step back.

Turning around and leaning down pretending to fix my shoe, I said, "You know what this means, right?" I scooped up a snowball, packing it as quietly as I could. I heard the crunch of snow as he stepped closer.

"That you've had enough of playing in the snow and you'd like to go inside?" He guessed.

"Nope." I stood up and hid the ball behind my back, "This mean that you're fair game." And I tossed the snowball at his face.


	30. Here They Go a Caroling!

**Here They Go a Caroling!**

There's no better time of the year then Christmas. Everyone is out spreading good cheer, buying presents, building snowmen, decorating trees; the list just goes on and on. And who's there to reinforce Christmas and everything it stands for? That's right, the carolers. Carolers are one of the most recognizable symbols of the Christmas season; it's hard to be in a bad mood while a little caroler is singing their heart out only to you, well, you and the group of people that surround you, but mostly you.

The carolers of Forks, Washington are no different. In fact, they may be some of the best carolers anyone has seen in a long time. They stay perfectly on key, wear the same neat, crisp Santa hats, and always have a smile on their faces. They are perfectly respectable and decent.

On the outside, but on the inside, it's a whole different story.

Bella Swan appreciates a good caroler when she sees one, not that she would be one to participate in something like that, with her aversion to all things wet and all, but she liked to watch and listen, nonetheless. Like she was doing right now, having just exited a restaurant with fiancé Edward Cullen, hands linked together, each holding a steaming cup of cocoa, though one is just for show. They just stand there, perfectly at ease in this moment. She's caught up in the carolers, and he's deeply caught up in everything about her. The way her eyes light up with that child-like wonder that is only found there around this time of the year, the way her nose is slightly red from the cold and the way her cheeks match perfectly, that way she had encased her hands in fuzzy mittens, and the way her hair curled out and under from the toboggan that was perched on the top of her head, he drank all of this in. It's a perfect moment, fit for the front of any Christmas card, until it all falls apart.

The carolers have taken a short break in between songs, a break most of them use to grab a quick bite or drink, or maybe even run off to the bathroom, but one caroler strays behind. He's slightly older then Bella is and Edward appears to be, and neither of them has noticed him around town before. He's standing a little bit in front of them and slightly towards the side, the side farthest from Edward, who has already unintentionally tightened his hold on Bella's hand. Something about the man makes him uncomfortable, although he has no reason why.

Then he does, he hears what the man is thinking, what he's visualizing.

_"I'd like to get a hold of that little elf this Christmas."_ He sneers inside of his head. _"This would be one Christmas she'd never forget."_ He's picturing Bella in a very indecent pose, with nothing more than the very Christmas hat sitting on top of his head to cover herself with.

Edward snaps his head over to face the man, subtly sliding Bella over and behind him; she peeks around the top of his shoulder, confused. "Do you have something you'd like to say?" Edward silkily tells the man, only the slightest hint of anger in his tone.

"Not especially." He grimaces at Edward, and then throws a wink over his shoulder at Bella, who gasps in a low tone. Edward tenses in response. _"I have a couple of words I'd like to whisper in her ear though. She'll be saying Merry Christmas before she knows it."_

That's all it takes, and Edward has lost it. Gently pushing Bella back a few feet, he flies towards the man, just slow enough that it just looks like he is an _extremely_ fast human. In a split second, the man is on the ground, his face pressed into the snow, and Edward is holding him down with one foot on each of his hands. Bella is torn between the desire to laugh, and the desire to get the heck out of here. She opts for the second one, rushing out to Edward and yanking on his arm. Her touch seems to soothe him, and he slowly steps off of the man's hands, then grabs Bella's free hand, she's still clutching the scalding cocoa in the other one and begins to swiftly walk away.

They've almost made if across the street when the man yells, "You just call me if you change your mind, I'll be glad to slide down your chimney tonight!" Edward's nostrils flare, and his eyes turn black, but Bella lays a comforting hand on his arm and smiles a smile that seems to say, "I'll handle this." His eyes lighten, and he begins to grin too.

She swiftly walks back over to the man, who is now grinning like his team just won the Super bowl. When Bella gets about a foot away from him, she gestures for him to step closer, which he willingly does.

She leans forward and uses one hand to pull him down to her level by his shirt, then gives him a wink of her own. When he leans down to close the space between him, she dumps her hot chocolate in a place where hot chocolate was meant to go. "Merry Damn Christmas, you pervert." She says to him.

Leaving the man in pain and doubled over, Bella eagerly hold out her hand to Edward, who gladly accepts, while laughing loudly. And together, they head over to the other side of town, were the elementary school carolers have already started singing, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."


	31. Broken Love Story

**Disclaimer: ARGH! I don'****t own Twilight****…**

**Author's Note: Alrighty, let's set the stage, shall we? This is set in about the exact middle of New Moon, I guess… Although it could, technically, be set anywhere from the end of Chapter 3 to about Page 451… I guess. But, anyways, Edward is wondering through some non-descript big city, being thoroughly emo and in a let's kill ourselves type of a mood… Then he sees a piano through the window of a pawn shop… Let's say that he doesn't play the piano anymore, shall we? We shall. Here we go…**

**A Broken Love Story (Third Person POV!)**

A seemingly young man stood motionless, staring into a dark pawn shop window. The street the man (more like a boy, really, he looked so young) stood on was busy and crowded, almost on the verge of claustrophobic-like, during the day. But after a certain hour, the only people who lurked around were dark individuals with darker agendas.

The whole street was black, with the exception of the brief patches of fuzzy light that filtered down from rusted and twisted streetlamps. The boy seemed to give off a slight, almost eerie glow that illuminated his features.

He was pale, almost as if he was dead and somehow his soul hadn't grasped that fact yet. On top of his head he had a crop of hair that had the potential to be beautiful, but instead hung limp and lifeless down into his eyes.

Those eyes that burned with flitting emotions. Vain happiness from a remembered good time made his eyes dance like a golden river tumbling down through uneven rocks. Suddenly the river in his eyes seemed to freeze into a block of glittering ice. They had a far-away look in them, and he seemed so torn. Then they slid shut and began to clamp tighter and tighter like he was trying not to see something that was branded on the inside of his eyelids. They flashed open and were filled with unmatchable fury as his thought turned elsewhere, his mouth twisting down out of the small smile that had shined seconds before and into a frown as time went on.

His hands clenched into fists, and he cocked one arm back like he was preparing to throw it forward and punch through the glass. His fist stopped at the last possible second and his fingers splayed out, reaching for the old piano that sat behind the glass. The maniac glint of anger slid from his eyes then, and he seemed to completely crumble.

He slid onto his knees then, wrinkling further his beaten and battered jeans with that one had still stretched towards the window. His shoulders and neck slumped forward, so his head fell parallel to the sidewalk. His body shook with convulsions like he was trying not to make a sound. If you were to have walked by him then, you would have wanted to tell him to just give it up. Just give it up and cry already, not knowing that he couldn't. He couldn't physically cry and the broken sobs and gasps were caused by breath that he didn't have to breathe.

He was a broken love story.

After a few agonizing minutes, he shakily stood up. He walked slowly to the door of the pawn shop and wrapped his slender fingers around the tarnished silver doorknob. He swiftly looked up and down the deserted street, then cracked the door open. He ignored the crunch of the broken lock and stepped over the threshold.

Not stopping, he rushed over to the piano that sat in the window. Again his eyes seemed to crackle with a fire that knew no boundaries and that couldn't be contained.

He used the toe of his shoe to pull out the bench that was slid underneath the piano. He threw one shaking leg over the bench, and then pulled the other one across too. Once he sat on the bench he put his hands over the shiny keys, but did not touch them. He dragged in a breath that made his whole body heave, like he was preparing to go into battle.

Then he carefully struck a key.

The note rang out clear and poignantly through the thickening silence. And, all of the sudden, it was as if he was back in time. _She_ seemed to sit next to him. She had the slight residue that meant that she had just finished blushing, and he drew in another tearing breath. Her eyes were clouded with moisture, with one tear silently falling down her cheek. He reached out to gently wipe it off with his finger, knowing that soon he would once again feel the warmth he craved day and night. But right before his ice fingers could make contact, she vanished.

He was back in the dark, dank pawn shop in some random city, miles and miles away from _her_. The note still pinged on. He struck another, then another. Before he knew it, he was playing the song he had written for her, back when he could still fool himself into thinking that they could somehow make it work, that they could make it.

On and on he played her song, and with each note struck, it was like a particularly painful lurch to his dead and broken heart.

But he still continued that broken love story.

**Author's Note: Well, there's that. That one was inspired by a song called, "**_**Watch Me Bleed" **_**by Scary Kids Scaring Kids. The lyrics don't really match, but I was in the middle of writing Chapter Six of my other story, Come Whatever May, when it came on… And it just reminded me of Edward. Probably only because I was writing about him at that moment, but the first minute or so is a piano solo… So that's probably some of it too. But, hope you liked! How 'bout you review me and tell me what your favorite line of this was? ****That's i****f you liked it, and if you didn't, how 'bout you review me and tell me why you didn't like it? It's a win-win… You can help me better myself, and I'll help you practice your constructive criticism… **


	32. Phone Call From Hell

**Author's Note: Hiya Peoples! I'm in an insanely fantastic mood right now! WOOT!**

**Anyways, the following one-shot type deal is actually a series of private messages sent back and forth between myself and ****yayme2012.**** The idea of the whole spamming Stephenie Meyer was her idea, (an afterthought to our "Born from the fire of our love" conversation) I just took it to whole other random level… This is also posted on her story "Bad Fanfiction."**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. And I fully support the ASPCA; it was just the first acronym that popped into my mind. Please don't think that I'm against protecting animals, I'm totally not.**

**AND, NO!!!! WE DO NOT REALLY WANT TO SPAM STEPHENIE MEYER! Just thought I'd throw that out there before the FBI shows up on me doorstep or something.**

**I sent this to her right after she sent me the review reply saying that it would be fun to spam Stephenie Meyer until she gave us Edward's contact information****, so he could pay his owed child-support on our respective love children****. (Another afterthought to the "Born from the fire of our love"**** conversation, by the way.**

**Holli-Loves-Edward (ME!):**

Anyways... I can just imagine someone like calling Stephenie Meyer and being like:

Stephenie: Hello?

Random Crazed Stalker Fan: Is this Mrs. Stephenie (insert middle name here) Meyer that was born on (insert date here) and whose parents are named (insert parents' names here)?

Stephenie: Um, yes?

Random Crazed Stalker Fan: Ma'am, I'm going to need you to hand over the contact information for a Mr. (pretends to read name off of a piece of paper) Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, I believe was his name…

Stephenie: Excuse me?

RCSF: The contact information for Mr. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, I need you to give it to me. His date of birth, his current address, does he wear boxers or briefs, his social security number, the address of his current girlfriend... Things like that.

Stephenie: Why would you need to know if he wears boxers or briefs? And why do you need the address of his current girlfriend?

RCSF: The first is just a... security measure. The second is... Ma'am, I'm not at liberty to discuss this with you.

Stephenie: Okay.

RCSF: WHERE WERE YOU ON THE SEVENTH OF JANUARY?

Stephenie: At a book-signing...

RCSF: A LIKELY STORY!

Stephenie: I'm going to hang up now.

RCSF: Ma'am, if you hang up, I'm going to have to send the ASPCA in...

Stephenie: Isn't that the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty for Animals?

RCSF: Umm... no... It's the Association for the Protection of Cranberries and

Apples... (Sets down cup of CranApple juice… good stuff!)

Stephenie: Then why do you need Edward Cullen's contact information.

RCSF: We would like him to be the... (Clear's throat suspiciously) poster boy for the prevention of abuse of apples and cranberries. He looks like he enjoys fruit.

Stephenie: Right, bye now!

RCSF: Are you questioning my authority? I'll send the ASPCA Recon Squad in... with Cherry bombs made of actual cherries!

Stephenie: Doesn't that defeat the whole "Prevention of Cruelty to Fruit" thing?

RCSF: GIVE ME THE INFORMATION NOW!

Line goes dead…

RCSF: (Turns around to look at room full of other RCSFs...) OMG! I TALKED TO STEPHENIE MEYER! Now we can begin the ceremonial sacrificing of the stuffed Mountain Lion in honor of Edward Cullen... (Holds up a can of gas and a lighter!)

Wow, that got out of hand...

**And she brilliantly sent me back this piece of ginormously fantastical literature:**

I can imagine another scene! HA!

Jacob: Doot, do doo, being an angsty vampire… ooh, the doorbell's ringing! --he skips to the door—

Fangirls: Get him! --they pelt him with cranberries--

Jacob: Ha-ha, that doesn't hurt! --yayme2012 brings out her watermelon canon--

Jacob: Oh sh--

And Jacob was no more.

**Jacob Black getting pelted with fruit: good times, good times.**** Well, hope you enjoyed that little piece of craziness.**


	33. Burger Boy

**Author's Note: I actually got this idea off of the Twilight Lexicon. I was reading the topic "Has Edward ever had a job?" or something to that effect. And this popped into my insane little mind. I posted a watered down and smaller version of this on there… **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Edward, or whatever restaurant I'm going to use below, I haven't decided yet.**

**Edward: Cashier Extraordinaire**

He pulled the bright red and polyester uniform over his head, topping it all off with a bright yellow cap with the words "How exactly can I help you today?" splayed across that top. Then he slid his legs into the black jeans that lay across the floor. They seemed to be a tad too small, to teenage girl's eventual delight everywhere.

He swiveled to glance in the mirror. From the neck down, he looked like any other teenage boy forced to work at a fast food restaurant by his parents and siblings because they said he had too much free time on his hands, although he did fill out the shirt in a way most teenage boys only dream of, again, the teenage girls appreciated. From the neck up, it was a whole different story.

Adjusting the cap slightly, he turned away and headed down the stairs. He had not taken more than three steps where he would normally not have been, under normal circumstances, blinded by countless flashes of bright white light. Not that he was what you would call "under normal circumstances." He could hear the click and whirl of the digital and video cameras.

"Edward: Loser. Scene One: Take One. Action!" Emmett snickered from behind the camera lens.

"Emmett? What do you think you're doing?" Edward snarled at him gracefully, was it too much to ask for his family to let him keep at least an ounce of his dignity intact?

Yes, yes it was. "I'm making my first documentary; this one's going straight to Sundance!" Emmett joked and panned in and out several times, and if you were to have actually watched his "documentary" you would have a fairly severe case of motion sickness.

Edward took a step forward, a reply forcing his mouth open. "Edward! Hold on a second! You are ridiculous, Emmett!" He breathed a sigh of relief and turned to look at his savior's voice.

Alice came rushing down the stairs, a smile stretched across her face that couldn't possibly mean well for our handsome hero. "Didn't I tell you not to start without me?" She stopped swiftly in front of Edward, pulling a small microphone clip out of her pocket and attaching it to his shirt. "There, Edward: Loser. This is Scene One, take Two. Action!" She gave the thumbs up to the camera.

"Okay, Edward, let's take it from the top, shall we? And Alice? Only I say action, does your chair say director on the back? No, it in fact, does not. It says, "Technical Advisor." Let's keep our roles straight, we don't want to confuse the actor." Emmett's growl was slightly ruined by the grin on his face, as he adjusted the camera, and focused it back in on Edward's face. He turned away from it and 

sauntered out of the door, into the garage. It was amazing the lengths Alice and Emmett would go to ridicule him.

He had sufficient time to build his injured mood back up in the ten minutes it took him to drive to Bella's house. He had just enough time for a quick hello before he had to head off to his "job." If you could actually call what he was doing a "job." He liked to refer to it as "a complete waste of time" or "the result of a serious miscalculation." A few hours flipping greasy burgers and dealing with overweight people who couldn't stop eating long enough to order _more_ food was fine for an immature sixteen or seventeen year old whose parents thought that they needed to learn "responsibility" and "the value of a dollar."

But he wasn't seventeen, at least not in the technical sense of the number, he thoroughly understood responsibility, and he was pretty sure he understood the value of a dollar (even if he didn't often think of it). He just didn't see the point…

By now he had pulled up Bella's driveway and was gliding his way to her front door. He knocked once and, in what seemed to be becoming a habit, readjusted the hat. It apparently to like to lean sideways.

He could hear her fly to the door, the way her socks slid over the slick linoleum, and the solid sounding _thump!_ as she slammed into the other side of the door. She had slipped, again. After a few agonizing seconds, for him (Bella was fine), she finally threw the door open. It slammed back into the wall as he jumped over the threshold and pulled her to him.

He half-dragged her over to the couch, and raked his eyes up and down over her, making sure she wasn't hurt, of course. Although he did look a couple of more times than was strictly required, seeing as she was, as was mentioned previously, completely unharmed.

Bella, on the other hand, had let him look her over, knowing that he wouldn't listen when she insisted that she was alright and she blushed when she realized he was no longer looking out of alarm. He was looking just to be looking, just because he had a valid excuse. Her blush faded as she darted her eyes away from his, taking in his outfit.

She, knowing it would hurt his feelings (and ego) if she laughed, dutifully clamped her mouth shut and pulled herself into a sitting position.

"So, are you ready for your first day?" She looked back up at him innocently, too innocently if he'd admit it to himself.

"Not in the slightest, but what choice do I have?" He looked at her, downtrodden.

"It's just a job, Edward. I have one too, you know." She rolled her eyes, thinking "Overreaction_."_

"Yes, you do. You have a job that lets you keep your dignity and that requires you to do almost nothing. I have a job that has already forced me into a neon-hued required uniform and given my 

brother and sister sufficient enough material to blackmail me privately and publically (they're videotaping it, I'll have you know) for at least another one hundred some-odd years. I must point out, that all this has occurred before I have even stepped one foot on the premises."

She covered her mouth with her hand to stifle a giggle. "For your information, I do much more than "nothing" at my job. It's just a slow season, that's all. I would appreciate if you would keep from putting down my job, Burger Boy."

Only Bella could have called him "Burger Boy" and get away unscathed. Although he did shoot her a dirty look, or as dirty a look as he could shoot her. But the look was replaced with a small smile before she could retaliate with one of her own.

He glanced back at the clock on the opposite wall and groaned. "I have to go; I wouldn't want to be late for my first shift."

She just grinned and leaned forward for a kiss.

!!

"… and you push this button right here, the one that has a cheeseburger on it, if they order a cheeseburger, and you hit it twice if they want to order a _double _cheeseburger. Got that? Then, see these things here, they are called _numbers_, we use these things to _number_ the meals… If they order a six… you push the key that says six… Got that?"

"Yes, I "got" that, and I "got" that. It's not exactly rocket science, is it now?" Edward spat to the severe overachieving middle aged manager, who looked like he had more than enough experience with lippy teenagers.

"Let's just see how you do." The manager said, narrowing his eyes and backing away. Edward raised one eyebrow and turned back to where his first customer waited.

A polite smile filled his face and slightly brightened his eyes, that is, it did_._ But all traces of a smile left his face, and his eyes switched to murky.

Because, the person who had the honor/curse of being his first customer just happened to be…

Not Jacob Black. For all of you who thought it would be raise your hands. Everyone knows there were a lot of you… How predictable would that have been? You should think better of the author…

Now where were we? Oh yes, his first customer just happened to be no other than…

Charlie Swan, Forks Own Police Chief and the somewhat-estranged future-father-in-law of our very own Edward Cullen.

Chief Swan's mouth had formed a little "o" of surprise, and quickly shifted to mocking amusement. "Well, hello there Edward, fancy seeing you here." Although it wasn't fancy seeing him here, not at all.

"Hello, Chief Swan. Er, how may I help you today, sir?" He shifted his weight back and forth between his two feet awkwardly.

"No, Edward. I think the question is: how have you not already helped me today? The day has recently taken a rather sharp turn to being a good day. How are the fries here?" He still had the cheeky grin plastered on his face.

"They're, um, they're fried."

Charlie rolled his eyes back and forth. "I kind of figured that one out myself. And stop calling me sir, you're scaring me a bit."

"What can I get you, sir? I have to say that, it's part of the "Friendly and Enthusiastic" rule they have here, sir." Edward asked and stated desperately, sure that this would not end well.

"I'm not sure, what do you recommend?"

Edward blurted out before thinking, "I wouldn't eat anything here, to be honest. It's thoroughly unsanitary, sir."

The manager chose this particular point to intercede.

"Howdy Chief Swan! How are you today?" The overly friendly manager said, effectively pushing Edward out of the way. "Can I interest you in a number four? With a free upgrade to supersize?"

Then he turned to Edward. "Why don't you head back and deal with the window? Eric'll show you the ropes."

Edward was sure that everyone in the immediate 50-mile radius would be hearing how "incompetent" and "rude" Edward Cullen was at his new job, courtesy Chief Swan.

One last glance at Charlie's shining face and twinkling eyes was as good as a confession in the eyes of our disgruntled burger boy.

!!

"Welcome to Forks' best burger joint, we guarantee you'll probably need a fork to eat Washington's biggest burger, found right here at Forks' best burger joint! How may I help you?" Edward disdainfully read off the plastic-laminated slightly yellowed card that was thrust into his hands when he had appeared in the small alcove the drive-thru windows were located in.

"No, no, Ed! With more enthusiasm, you want them to spread the good word, don't you?" I demanding and slightly greasier than was usual for him Eric Yorkie asked.

Edward's withering look seemed answer enough for the both of them.

"Well," an uncomfortable Eric continued, "just try not to sound like you're going to rip their heads off and suck their blood, will ya! I have a reputation to uphold here, you see." He gestured behind him, where the small section of wall was covered with framed photographs.

Edward's heightened bad mood, in reaction to the vampire dig, was lightened a good measure when he glanced closer at the wall.

Eric's own face beamed down at him, in what looked to be the very same hat that was ruining Edward's hair, in countless pictures acting as wallpaper for the wall.

"That's an incredible achievement, Eric. You should be very proud of being Forks' best burger joint's Employee of the Month for three years running." Eric, maybe mistaking the pained look on Edward's face for awe and admiration than the look of hidden mirth and bitten back laughs it really was.

"I'm leaving soon, college." He began, with a wave of his hand. "And you, Edward Cullen, could soon see your face smiling down from the very wall you see here." The way he smiled and the way his eyes filled with misty pride, you would have thought he was opening the door to the White House for the newly inaugurated President of the United States of America.

Edward just turned back to the window, where a customer now sat, browsing over the menu.

This had to be an evil and ill-humored joke.

Mike Newton sat in the front seat of the car, reading over the limited choices the limited menu offered. He seemed to make up his mind, turning to the window, when he stopped.

A loud and maniac-sounding laugh filled Edward's sensitive ears.

"Cullen? You work here? Why?" Mike doubled over onto his steering wheel, tears falling from the sheer happiness and the force of his laugh.

"Welcome to Forks' best burger joint, we guarantee you'll probably need a fork to eat Washington's biggest burger, found right here at Forks' best burger joint! How may I help you?" Edward spoke in a low voice, infusing those words with more coldness than they had ever been uttered with before.

"I can't eat now! Are you insane? No one's going to believe this! Just wait until I tell Lauren and Jessica! Tyler will fall of his seat! And Bella! Does she know about this?"

"Of course she does, you blathering idiot. We're in a relationship, or didn't you realize from the way she snubs you continuously?" Mike gave him a scathing look, threw his car into drive, and sped away…

Approaching footsteps could be heard, and Edward turned around with a groan.

It was the manager, and he looked livid.

"Mr. Cullen, did that customer just leave without ordering?"

"No, sir. He decided he wasn't hungry enough to do Forks' best burger joint's unbelievable burgers, he said he'll come back later."

"Of course he did. Mr. Cullen, I just don't think things are going to work out for you here. If you would, drop your hat and shirt in the box by the door on your way out."

Edward spluttered. "Are you firing me? Sir…" He added as an afterthought.

The manager nodded his head curtly and pushed a frightened looking Eric back into the room, where he cowered against the door frame as Edward pushed by.

Even worse than working at a burger joint… was being fired from a burger joint.

Emmett's film must might win an Oscar with this top-notch material.


	34. Candid Camera

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. ******** Well, I own all imaginary cameras mentioned, but that's it.**

**Candid Camera**

They set side by side in the darkening meadow. The flowers had faded away, mottled orange, brown, red, and sunny yellow leaves perched delicately on the top of the cool grass instead. The moon fought with the sun for the top position in the sky. The sun, as always, eventually backed away, leaving the moon reflecting off their marble skin in victory.

Edward slid his gaze over to Bella, drinking in her eternal beauty as was his usual custom. Her cheek pulled up, the only hint that she noticed.

"Take a picture, darling. It'll last longer." She teased, pulling her eyebrows down in mock-anger.

He held up his slender hands, curving his fingers around and pushing down on thin air with one finger as if he was holding up an invisible camera. He popped his tongue against the roof of his mouth making a sound like the satisfying click taking a picture produces.

She rolled her eyes, reveling in the sheer happiness that blanketed her always. "A picture doesn't come close to the real thing, of course." She flipped her mahogany hair over shoulder and glanced up at him like the unknowing seductress she was.

"I'm not sure; a picture probably wouldn't argue with me half as much as you do." His eyes, always a shade lighter than her deeper eyes, twinkled with playful mischievousness.

"I happen to know that our heated debates are one of the things you find most attractive about me." She cocked her head, daring him to contradict her.



"If you think so, it must be true, of course. Remind me to develop some pictures though, just in case." He patted her arm affectionately.

She grabbed it before he could pull away. "But a picture couldn't do this." She whispered as she pulled herself flush with him, throwing her other arm behind his head, anchoring her arm into his hair. He gathered her around the waist and pulled her up to meet his mouth.

They released each other when twilight faded into deep night. He kept one arm around her waist, and she kept one hand fidgeting through his hair.

He sighed approvingly. "I knew there was a reason I kept you around."

She laughed, elbowing him in the ribs. "You better be glad you're so attractive, or you'd be gone." He only leaned forward in response, kissing her again.

He raised his free hand and clicked his finger down once gain to capture his perfect moment.

**The End!**

**Author's Note: That was short and sweet. I have another one coming soon, so get ready! ******


	35. Bella Meets a Bella of a Different Color

**Bella Meets a Bella of a Different Color**

**One-shot Kiddies!**

Bella Swan sat at her kitchen table, listening to the silence, which is a conundrum if anyone ever heard one. Her legs were folded up under her, a feat which took no less than half an hour and rendered in her falling flat on her face exactly three times. But, she had done it, and no Olympic gold-medalist had been prouder of their achievements than Bella was of hers, even if it was on a smaller scale.

Suddenly the air in front of her seemed to flex, and with a loud pop that scared Bella right out of her seat, and severely tangled up her legs, Bella was no longer alone in the kitchen.

A muffled stream of curses was issuing from her refrigerator. Bella, who had more than enough reason to believe in the supernatural, nevertheless had never heard of potty-mouthed refrigerators suddenly coming to life.

So, it was with a wooden baking spoon in her hand that she approached her newest enemy. Whoever, or whatever, was inside the refrigerator had now taken to screaming.

"I have failed the Dark Lord yet again! One of Potter's allies has trapped me!" A hissy, and slightly snobby voice issued out. Bella took a step closer.

"Hello?"

"Who is that? I demand that you let me out! The Dark Lord will make you pay!'

"Who's the Dark Lord?"

"I demand that you release me from this prison!"

"You're the one in my refrigerator, ma'am. Try not to take that tone with me."

"Do you know who I am? What I am capable of?"

"You're stuck inside my refrigerator, how much fear could that statement instill in me?"

The woman shuffled around inside of it. "I am Bella Lestrange!"

"Oh, my name's Bella too!" Bella smiled.

"Let me out."

"I will, but, just so you know, my boyfriend is upstairs, and he's very large. He's a moving man and he has an issue with foreign people inside appliances."

"Very well."

Bella wrapped her hand around the handle, and pulled it open quickly.

A woman was contorted around the various foods and bottles of juice. She was wearing a cloak and a hat that vaguely resembled a dead raccoon.

Bella laughed hysterically. "What are you supposed to be? The bad guy from Harry Potter?"

"You know Harry Potter!" The person snarled. "Is he here? The Dark Lord will make you pay!"

"No, he's not here… What are you on? And who is this Dark Lord you keep talking about?"

"You are ignorant and disrespectful."

"You're just mean."

"You're just too nice."

"You say that's like a bad thing."

"So did you."

"Being nice is the right thing to do."

"For some people, I prefer the mean side of things."

"I'll pass."

"Really, you should try it. It's refreshing and really feels good."

The front door suddenly flew open, and in a flash Edward stood in between Bella and Bella.

"Who are you?" He demanded with a snarl. A snarl that only made him look more attractive.

"I'm Bella."

"She's Bella."

"Yes, scrawny, we've been over this already." She leaned around to look at Bella. "I thought you said he was large?"

"Well, he's a vampire." Bella shrugged, suggesting that that made up for it.

"So, I've had many a wild night in nameless pubs with vampires before."

Edward raised his eyebrow. "What do you want with her?"

"I don't want anything, I just needed her to get me out of my solitary prison."

"It was a refrigerator."

"It was a torture device."

"What are you really here for?"

With a flourish, Bella pulled out a thin, wooden twig-like object. "Back up! I know how to use this!"

The Bella we all know and love stepped forward. "Ha!" She scoffed. "We've got a wooden spoon!" And she brandished it in front of her like a sword.

Edward grabbed the spoon from Bella's hand, and the twig from the other Bella's hand.

"I don't need either one of you getting a splinter."

Bella Swan glared at Edward. "I am perfectly capable of handling this situation by myself."

"Bella," Edward sighed, "There was a woman inside of your refrigerator."

"Don't give me any lip, mister. Or you'll be taking her place."

Evil Bella laughed scornfully. "Just give me back my wand, and I'll gladly be out of your way."

Edward looked to his Bella. "Who does she think she is? Harry Potter?"

"Why do you keep speaking of Harry Potter? Is he here? Are you hiding him from me?"

"No," Edward said conversationally. "He's at Wizard-Bingo up at the Crazy Lodge. If you hurry up you could still catch him."

Evil Bella lurched forward, grabbing back her wand, and after spinning on the spot, was gone.

Edward grabbed Bella and headed out to the living room, where the rest of his family had already assembled.

"Let that be a lesson for kids what crack does to you."

They all nodded in agreement.

Bella had been thinking about what the other Bella had said. Maybe she did need to be mean every once in a while. She got a mischievous glint in her eye and Alice his a laugh at her master plan.

Edward was busy recounting their weird tale to the rest of the family, except for Alice, who was eagerly awaiting for Bella to act.

With one quick, humiliating flourish, Bella had pulled Edward's pants down to his ankle, and taking a step back, said in awe. "I really should be meaner more often!

**Oh kids! Wasn't that eventful! That was what I dreamed last night... but it turned into this gang-bang type thing with Eric Forman and Kelso from That 70's Show showing up in the Vista Cruiser... It was just too weird...**

**But... I think this would be an effective way not to get your kids to do crack.**

**Tell them this is what would happen.**


	36. A Fond Farewell! Technically

**Hey Kids!**

**Chapter 35 was (technically) the last chapter of TW&WTOTC!**

**But, never fear, I will continue to fill your un-wavering need of the random, insane, and slighty uncomfortable hi-jinks involving the Cullens!**

**I have started Kicking it the Classy Way: TW&WTOTC VOLUME II!**

**I felt like I just needed to get a clean start because I thought that stuff in this one was starting to run together and get lost, plus I just really wanted to start something new. Also, I'd really like to see how I've evolved as a writer, and this one was sort of my first go.**

**I'm ready to start on my second!**

**So, go check out Kicking it the Classy Way: TW&WTOTC VOLUME II!**

**First chapter's up!**

**And it's RAUNCHY!**

**LOL, sort of.**

**:)**


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